25 lifes rules
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- There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shitheads.
- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
- I live in my own little world but its OK, everyone knows me here.
- I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
- I dont do drugs cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
- Sign In Chinese Pet Store: Buy one dog, get one flea…
- Money cant buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
- I dont approve of political jokes. Ive seen too many of them get elected.
- The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
- If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
- I love being married. Its so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
- I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
- Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days Ive stayed alive.
- That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have Schiffer Brains.
- No one ever says Its only a game! when their team is winning.
- Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door youre on.
- Isnt having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
- Marriage changes passion…suddenly youre in bed with a relative.
- Why is it that most nudists are people you dont want to see naked?
- Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
- Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Moms wise words: Dont pick that up, you dont know where its been.
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