THIRTY MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE



Youre getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?



Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If youre a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.



However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.



SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS

If a room clearly cant be whipped into shape in 30 days–much less 30 minutes–employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.



CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.



Time: 2 seconds



SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE

No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but its a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.



Time: 2-3 minutes



SECRET TIP 3: OVENS

If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means theyre a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when companys coming.



Time: 2 minutes



SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS

Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.



Time: 2.5 minutes



SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS

Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.



Time: 3 minutes



SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES

No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffles highest and best use is to hide whatever youve managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)



Time: 4 minutes





SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING

The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.



Time: 3 minutes



SECRET TIP 8: DISHES

Dont use them. Use plastic or paper and you wont have to.



Time: 1 minute



SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)

This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teens mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two …if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.



CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who dont care if they get in a car wreck.



Time: 3 seconds



SECRET TIP 10: IRONING

If an article of clothing doesnt require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so Im told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.



Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)



SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING

Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Dont bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.



Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only



SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING

The key here is low, low, and lower. Its not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.



Time: 10 seconds



SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING

Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.



Time: 0



SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS

Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.



Time: 1 minute



SECRET TIP 15:

If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, dont even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.