Before I bought an answering machine, I thought I didnt need one. Then
I started thinking up possible messages, and before long I had bought an
answering machine just so I could put my messages on it. Here they
are. There are plenty of them…

This is not an answering machine–this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
and a number where I can reach you, and Ill think about returning your
call.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy.
After the tone, leave your name and number, and well have an asshole
return your call as soon as possible.

I cant come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of
them will get back to you.

I cant come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I dont remember. Id appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Cmon…you can do it…just a little one. Thats the way…just a little
beep, just a little one. Cmon…good boy…here we go…like
this–beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, cmon…There you go!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you werent ready, we gave
it to Vanna White. Sorry.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durways not here
right now, but if youll leave your name, number, and confession at the
tone, hell get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And
remember, confession doesnt count unless you confess all of your sins in
vivid, graphic detail!

I cant come to the phone right now because Im down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money,
or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name,
number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If youre from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] Im sorry, Dave, I cant do that.

[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and Ill get back to thee.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I cant come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange…mother…unicorn…penis. Ill get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.

[Sung to the tune of Ride of the Valkyries]
Leave a message…leave a message….etc.

Next on Public Radio 91 well be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is
the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72….

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not
the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Youre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You
begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone…the telephone is next to an
answering machine…you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the
answering machine…you hear a beep….

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
test: 5…4…3…2…1…

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.
Ill get back to you as soon as its safe for you to come out of hiding.

Dont you do it! Dont you dare! I dont want to hear it! Dont you
beep! If you beep, Ill…dont even think about it!….Dont….!

I cant come to the phone now, so…hey–thats a nice phone you have
there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering
machines bothering you all the time…yes indeedy. Why dont you give me a
call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings…I might even play
my beep for you…

I cant come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, Im at the phone NOW, recording this message, but
Im doing this NOW, while youre listening to it LATER, except for you I
guess its NOW, like, when youre listening to it…I mean, like, wait,
gosh. This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I cant understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch
this…YOW!!

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Todays
commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not…er…bear a…er…shalt not
witness thy…uh…neighbors ass, oh, I mean, false…er…shalt not
commit a bear…dern…

Hey. Enjoy.
Lindsey Durway