A Field Guide to Neopagandom

Is this the first time youve seen this many pagans together? Well,
youre in for a deflowering, young earth-worshipper, and youve come to
the right place. However, you should realize that there are many, many
types of pagans. We old farts just had to keep making the rounds until we
either found a group that wouldnt kick us out or founded our own clique.
But now, progress has brought us many different flavors to choose from.

Bright-Eyed Novice

You just read this cool book about a religion where theres
_goddesses_ and gods, and they meet outside, in nature, instead of in
some scary old building, and you want to know where to sign up.

Distinguishing Signs: Mispronounces god/dess names,
has to think a moment about which is widdershins and which is deosil.
Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with A-frame).

I Remember Woodstock

Did I ever tell you about the time I dropped with Kerry Wendell
Thornley? Or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. I was pretty loaded.
Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people who had
one name?

Distinguishing Signs: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very
intently, knows dish about people youve read about.

Treehugging Nature Spirit

Prize possession: one of Judi Barrys old tree spikes. Simultaneously
believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a
pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the
shrubbery at a moments notice. Can discuss compost in detail.

Distinguishing Signs: No meat, no fragrance, no
leather, no eco-exploitative garments, no animal tested cosmetics, no
cigarette smoke, no drugs, no TV, no car, no corporations, yet very

Anal-Retentive Ceremonial

Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is trying
to learn how to speak Greek, Latin, and Hebrew, all at once. Does
workings instead of rituals. Has a web site that is all in Enochian.

Distinguishing Signs: Wont go anywhere without a
book. Dresses according to planetary coordinates, or according to what
Mom finds on sale at Wal-Mart.

Womyncentric Gynocrat

A mans shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three months
purifying it. Shell have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys
allowed in her full moon club.

Distinguishing Signs: Tiny axes, just the right size
for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently
from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops

Is This Where the Big, Smart Women Hang Out?

Oh, theyre so nice. All that warm, round, sex positive flesh . . . and you
can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms . . .
pant, drool.

Distinguishing Signs: Cute. Horny. Will recite love
poetry to you under the full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often
destitute. All too few of them.

Hey Boss, Id Like to Take February Second as a Personal Day

Has an entire chapter in their Book of Shadows concerned with spells for
purifying the work place. Doesnt mind working on Christmas, especially if
theres overtime involved. Quit being overtly pagan at work since getting
canned by that closet born again, yet still refuses to say Merry Christmas.

Hi Diddly Dee, Its a Pagan Celebrity

At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key
for elevator access. Lurks around hallway corners eavesdropping in order
to see if name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for
ritual. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy Amazonian bodyguards.

Distinguishing Signs: Always has plenty of books to
autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from
cover price. When you anyone they dont already know.

Childe Ov Kaos

Can name seventeen different industrial bands without pausing to
think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Sleeps in black leather jammies.
Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh or boldly displayed as
jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of a corporate logo
and an arcane sigil. If you dont know what it is, theyll think youre a

Distinguishing Signs: Easy to picture as a bike
messenger or alternative musician, difficult to visualize as a
schoolteacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV anchor
or bank president. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear
the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up.

Scary Devil Worshiper

Wont go skyclad. Rarely smiles, except for in a smug, knowing way
which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquer. Secretly
enjoys Rush Limbaugh and The Bell Curve. Fascinated with Nazis.
Probably wouldnt hurt a fly; yet want you to think they are capable of
vast destruction.

Distinguishing Signs: Lots of black and red. Men
like goatees, women would be wise to stay far away.


Every magickal gathering has at least one Crowley-in-a-past-life,
along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba,
Morgan Le Fay. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, or have
had disturbing dreams rich with symbolism which they will tell you, in
great detail.

Distinguishing Signs: Look for the intense gleam in
eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medicines, the
garments that were clearly designed and tailored in outer space.

Ravin Pagan

Young and psychedelic. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and
prefers deities from sunny climes with many interesting local plants.
Can say Ayahuasca ten times, fast. Never goes anywhere without a
ritual drum.

Distinguishing Signs: Colors that hurt your eyes
unless youve taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, peaceful smile, can deliver
long quotes from Terrance McKenna.

Fairie Queen

Is he a he? Is she a she? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple, or
are all four of them a quadruple? If the answers to these questions could
upset or disturb you, best stay away. If, however, the answers to these
questions seem overly nosy and judgmental, you might have a real good time.

Distinguishing Signs: When you look at this person,
does every sex act youve ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly
vanilla? If so, then congratulations — you have found a faerie.

High Episcopagan

Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a lighting director, an
orchestra and last three hours? Its a High Episcopagan! It can memorize
pages and pages of Olde Englishe, it has more ritual outfits than most people
have socks, it considers its main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy
Garland, and Busby Berkeley.

Distinguishing Signs: Book of Shadows exceeds five
volumes (or five megs of hard drive space). Knows every note of Carmina
Burana. Better not ask about that 18th century seed pearl trim on the


If its in a book, it must be true. If its in an old book, it must
be really true. If its in an old book that was supposedly
handed down by oral transmission from people who couldnt read, then it
must really be way true. Has hissy fits if anyone
shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical
assistance. Believes that anyone who has never sustained themselves from
their own land, using only primitive agricultural methods, dare not call
themselves a pagan.

Distinguishing Signs: Gnashes teeth when the old
Crowley ghosted Gardners Books argument comes up. Goes around
correcting everyones gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.

Dances with Bunnyrabbits

Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter
member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many,
many pets. Has a spirit animal.

Distinguishing Signs: Not counting the pagan
his/herself, how many animals can you find in this picture? if the count
surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments
and undies), you have found a Worshiper of Beasties.

Priests and Priestesses of Politikal Korrectness

Analyzes everything they hear for
sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying
attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty
— everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and
holier-than-thou; not just the religious right. Incredibly boring and
annoyingly righteous at the same time.

Distinguishing Signs: Beady, hyper alert little eyes
are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to say or do something bad.
Constantly has loud and attention-attracting fits when confronted with
everyday things such as advertising and corporate franchises. Rudimentary
sense of humor rarely activated.

Our Lady of Intense Suffering

Is constantly persecuted. You are probably persecuting her right now,
you just dont realize it. Became a pagan because she decided it was the
most persecuted religion of all. Cant enjoy anything because it would
be selfish to have fun when so many are suffering.

Distinguishing Signs: Tales of woe. Even less of a
sense of humor than the Priestess of Politikal Korrectness. Bristles
whenever you use the word masochism or whining.

I Am Not Spock (at the moment)

Knows at least three filks about Cthulu and at least forty Star Trek jokes.
Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science
fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.

Distinguishing Signs: Two-fisted drinking style.
Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for
their own good.


Insist that they arent homophobic; they just think that paganism is
about a god and a goddess and they do it, and what could be more simple
than that, and it just doesnt work right if you try it any other way.

Distinguishing Signs: Signifiers of het-dom such as
long, manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females _only_; the
males have big, bushy beards instead). Are secretly afraid gays and/or
lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetero bones.

Norse Code

Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival
organizers due to their fondness for running around carrying a battle-axe in
one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They do throw the best parties,
but if youre a wimp, you are expressly not invited.

Distinguishing Signs: Look out for the large and
foreboding persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from
their necks.

Pentacles, Inc.

This is where all the people who are into paganism come, right? So
how come they arent buying my hand-forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces
— they come in silver or gold, and each one has a genuine cubic
zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or
Master Card?

Distinguishing Signs: Business cards feature little
embossed pentagrams. Rarely leaves the dealers room and cant believe
there are so many jewelry sellers present.

Monster Truck Pagan

Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes,
homeschool their children and brew their own organic hooch. Are looking
forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the
environmentalists as they cant wait to run amok through the country,
worshipping ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the divider
line of every interstate.

Distinguishing Signs: Resourceful, clever and very
well versed in the U. S. Constitution. Eats meat with visible twitches
of pleasure. is aware that primitive religions have nothing to do with
crystals, Atlantis or unicorns. Can assume a properly smiley work
persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room
anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive hair,
no conspicuous tattoos.

… You may be a monster-truck pagan if your anointing oil is 30 weight.

… You may be a monster truck pagan if cakes & wine means tailgate party.

… You may be a monster truck pagan if Autumn is the Burning Time.

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