A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
to get nervious I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the
monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous
and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to
his office after mass he found the following note on his door.

Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
dont say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the Big T]

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not
say, Eat me.

The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, Mary with the
Cherry.

The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God

Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffys.