Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

(From a machine at a college dorm:)

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why were not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John:

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didnt lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, dont worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrators voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, Im not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. beep Hello. I am Davids answering machine. What are you?

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)

He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

Hi! Johns answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and Ill stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sallys microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so Im stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If youre still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and Ill think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home, Im just avoiding someone I dont like.

Leave me a message, and if I dont call back, its you.

Hi, this is George. Im sorry I cant answer the phone right now.

Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then were probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and cant come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably arent home and its safe to leave us a message.

Youre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.

There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.