From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 1

Re: Christmas Party

Im happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigis Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! Well have a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And dont be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 2

Re: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterdays memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on were calling it our Holiday Party. The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 3

Re: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didnt sign your name. Im happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads AA Only you wouldnt be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Anybody? Somebody?

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 7

Re: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps Luigis can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – the days are so short this time of year – or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, Ive arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 8

Re: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice … what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigis prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based Goddess-worshipping employees, but well try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the bands breaks. Okay???

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 9

Re: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of Santa does happen to be Satan, there is no evil connotation to our own little man in a red suit. Its a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentines Day. Could we lighten up?

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 10

Re: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? Ive had it with you people!!! Were going to keep this party at Luigis Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the grill of death, as you so quaintly put it, and youll get your f***ing salad bar, including hydroponics tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. Ive heard them scream. Im hearing them scream right now!

From: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

To: Everyone

Date: December 14

Re: Mickey Hennigan and Holiday Party

Im sure I speak for all of us in wishing Mickey Hennigan a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and Ill continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.