19
Sep

Attainable New Years Resolutions

  • Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
  • Stop exercising. Waste of time.
  • Read less. Makes you think.
  • Watch more TV. Ive been missing some good stuff.
  • Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
  • Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
  • Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

  • Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see
    the largest ball of twine.

  • Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
  • Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
  • Not have eight children at once.
  • Get in a whole NEW rut!
  • Start being superstitious.
  • Personal goal: bring back disco.
  • Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
  • Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

  • Buy an 83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo
    system.

  • Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

  • Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic
    words.

  • Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a
    chain or rope for a belt.

  • Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
  • Not eat cloned meat.
  • Create loose ends.
  • Get more toys.
  • Get further in debt.
  • Not believe politicians.
  • Break at least one traffic law.
  • Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
  • Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
  • Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
  • Stay off the MIR space station.
  • Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
  • Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
  • Associate with even worse business clients.

  • Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of
    them.

  • Wait around for opportunity.
  • Focus on the faults of others.

  • Mope about my faults.

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