M.I.T.: I had a nervous breakdown this weekend.
Have some fries.

Caltech: I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend.
Have some fries.

Yale: I got mugged on the way to class today.
Have some fries.

Brown: I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith.
Cool! Me too! Have some fries.

Swarthmore: I got a B.
Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries.

Princeton: My father took away my Porsche this weekend.
Poor dear. Have some Escargot.

Harvard: Did you do anything this weekend?
Nope. Have some fries.

Williams: Dont I know you?
Of course you do, silly. Have some fries.

Cornell: I killed my lab partner this weekend.
Bummer. Have some fries.

Columbia: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.
Me too. Lets go get shot.

Penn: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.
Me too. Lets transfer to Columbia.

Stanford: Dude, I have so much work this weekend.
Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries.

Dartmouth: Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend.
Have some beer.

Tufts: I wish I were Ivy League.
Here, drink the fry grease.