19
Mar
Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category
19
Mar
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
Why, of course, comes the reply.
The first man then asks, Where are you from?
Im from Ireland, replies the second man.
The first man responds by saying, You dont say. Im from Ireland too. Lets have another round to Ireland.
Of course, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, Where in Ireland are you from?
Dublin, comes the reply.
I cant believe it, says the first man, Im from Dublin too. Lets have another drink to Dublin.
Of course, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, What school did you go to?
St Marys, replies the second man, I graduated in 1962.
This is unbelievable, the first man says. I went to St Marys and I graduated in 1962 too.
About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.
Whats been going on? he asks the barman.
Nothing much, replies the barman. The OMalley twins are drunk again.
19
Mar
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
a: His lips are moving.
Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
A: The vultures will eat the skunk.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
A: Nobody wants to hit a skunk.
Q: Why wont vultures eat dead lawyers?
A: There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
19
Mar
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Buford Bucks 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.
The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck Youre right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm.
19
Mar
Dos maricas conversan por teléfono:
¿Lalo?
SÃ, Betito.
Oye, ¿y tú le sigues dando a pesar de todo el peligro que hay?
¡Ay, sÃ! Yo le doy con todo el que me lo pida, cariño…
Pero, ¿y no te da miedo eso del SIDA?
¡Ay, sÃ, pero no hay otra alternativa!
¿Por qué?
Porque si das el culo, te da SIDA, y si no lo das… ¡Se te oxida!
19
Mar
Un niño pequeño jugando dentro de su casa se acerca sigilosamente a la habitación de su hermana mayor, quien se encontraba desde hacÃa una hora encerrada con su novio. El chico entreabrió cuidadosamente la puerta de la habitación sin que ellos se dieran cuenta, observó por un instante y luego se alejó moviendo la cabeza y exclamando:
¡Y pensar que a mà me llevan al psicólogo tan sólo porque me gusta chuparme el dedo!
19
Mar
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent: $20.00 Oil Change $1.00 Coffee —————- $21.00 Total
Men:
1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.
Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee ————————— $1337 Total
19
Mar
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
Dear Mary,
I can not remember which one is you … please keep YOUR photo and return the others!
19
Mar
1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.
2. Came dressed in only a towel…again.
3. Ran out of paper clips.
4. Ive decided to telecommute.
5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.
6. Its a long drive home to Texas.
7. One-day sale at Macys.
8. My brain is melting!
9. I think they found me out…
10. Accidently erased the whole weeks work off the computer disk.
19
Mar
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge
for shelter.
His pal McGinty saw him and called, Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a
few spots o rain, now?
Sean replied, Im not…the fish come here fer shelter.