A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried.
"Whats your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dumbass named you Moses?"
"The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."
Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?
a. Welcome home, I missed you.
b. The phone rang twice while you were out.
c. Feed me, *NOW*.
d. So, I see you didnt bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history.
Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?
a. Please dont leave me here all alone.
b. Have a nice day.
c. But what if I get hungry while you out?
d. Kiss that new vase goodbye.
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?
a. A sign of affection.
b. A demand to be fed now.
c. Have YOU had YOUR shots?
d. An attempt to fix you like you fixed him.
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?
a. Lemme out – I need to fertilize the garden.
b. Wanna go out and play?
c. Wonder what theyve got to eat next door?
d. Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?
When your cat stares at you, it means:
a. It is bored silly.
b. Its trying to understand how its food grows in cans.
c. You are being sized-up for an attack.
d. Human mating habits are disgusting.
Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:
a. A primal instinct is being displayed.
b. Youre not feeding me enough.
c. It is showing a sign of affection by sharing.
d. It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned.
e. All of the above.
Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:
a. Let it out immediately.
b. Try to switch its interests to other things.
c. Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out.
d. If the other cats owner is attractive, maybe you could double.
Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:
a. It is showing you great affection.
b. It knows you are allergic to cats.
c. It has discovered the fine art of suffocation.
d. You should have let it out tonight.
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much.Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.God then created themonkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree,acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world istoo much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Manand told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. Youwill use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You willdominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord,to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years themule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkeyrejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.
Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding hishouse and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.
Then, in his old age, to live10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.And it is so.
The winning entry in a competition to find the most unfriendly error message was this one, which appeared after all the users computer files had been deleted:
Were you sure?
There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.
There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.
There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.
There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.
There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.
So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.
The moral of the story is…When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.
A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool and puts his front paws on the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, Hey, guess what? Im a talking dog. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink for the talking dog?
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, Alright. The toilets right around the corner.
Whats the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Maybe someday well find Bigfoot.
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, Sir, what are you doing!?!
The man turned toward the teller and said, Oh, nothing – just looking around.