Old Jokes | New Jokes

Psychiatrist: Whats your problem?

Patient: I think Im a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Q. If theres H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, whats on the outside?A. K9P

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together?
Giant holes all over Africa!

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and siddles up to the bar and announces:

Im looking for the man who shot my paw!

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Dont let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this wont be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

What happened to the blind skunk? He fell in love with a fart.

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

Yes, the pet store owner said, this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.

Thats to be expected, said the pet shop owner. Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you. Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrots owner returned and said there still had been no talking.

I see, said the pet shop owner. Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it. A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.

The parrots owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrots owner was there waiting as the store opened. Still no luck? asked the store owner.

No. Nothing said yet, answered the birds owner. Well, I bet the birds just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop. What? You want me to buy another bird!?! yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

No, no, calm down, reassured the store owner. All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.

At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned … this time with the parrot, only it was dead! What happened? asked the store owner, Didnt the bird ever talk?

Yes, right before it died it said: Whats the matter? Dont they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures hell have a little fun…

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Indian: Dog no talk.
Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?
Dog: Doin alright.
Indian: shows extreme look of shock
Cowboy: Is this Indian your owner? pointing at Indian.
Dog: Yep
Cowboy: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Indian: shows look of disbelief

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Indian: Horse no talk.
Cowboy: Hey horse, hows it going?
Horse: Cool.
Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: Is this your owner? pointing at Indian.
Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: Hows he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Indian: shows total look of amazement

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Indian: Sheep Lie!

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

about who was better on his computer. They had been going at

it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the

bickering.

Finally God said, Cool it. I am going to set up a

test that will run two hours and I will judge who does

the better job.

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and

typed away. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports.

They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They downloaded. They

did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every

known job. About ten minutes before their time was up,

lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain

poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan

stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word

known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them

rebooted their computers. Satan started searching

frantically, screaming Its gone! Its all gone! I lost

everything when the power went out!

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all

of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this

and became very irate: Wait! He must have cheated.

How did he do that?

God shrugged and said, Jesus saves.

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!
If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, theyll hate me forever, he thought. So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he snuck inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.Did you hear that Fluffy died? the neighbor asked.
Oh. Uhmm… Sorry to hear that. What happened? Chris mumbled. The neighbor replied: We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the

day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!