Old Jokes | New Jokes

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure hes dead.

What does a fish use to get high? Seaweed!

Whats the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?

Ones an African lion, and the others a lion African.

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, Jesus is watching you!while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, Who said that?! Once again he heard the same thing, Jesus is watching you! The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, Cornelius. The robber said, What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?! The parrot said, The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!

A: If they dropped them, theyd break.

A duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.

The sales person comes back with the condom and says Put this on your bill sir to which the duck replies what do you think IM a dickhead!

What did the little birdie say when he flew over Pic & Sav?
Cheap, cheap, cheap.

Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.

Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. Ive got something to show you! Not now! Im eating. Oh come on! said the rabbit. Its really important. No way. Please. Its urgent. So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. Well, rabbit, he panted. What did you want to tell me? Hey, Teddy, the rabbit began, look how many berries are on the other side of the river.