Old Jokes | New Jokes

(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)

Dogs tags ring, are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
Its yellow, not white — Ive been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree?  Thats my fragrance.
Its a sign for wandring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, its my property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then Ill lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know its mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed? The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time Ive been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box. The wife says, well for forty years, thats not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box. The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.

Dog Rules…

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said $50.00.

She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, Why is this parrot so cheap?

Well, he replied, You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it.

How bad could it be?, the woman thought.
Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.

The parrot looked around and said Awk! New House, New Madam!
Well, the woman thought, Thats not so bad.

Then the womans two daughters came home from school.
Awk!, the parrot said, New Madam, New Whores!

Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasnt so bad either. Then the womans husband came home from work.

Awk! The parrot said, New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctors for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?

And the man says, Oh me and God? Were tight. We have a real bond, hes good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the mans wife and said, Id like to speak to you about your husbands connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?

And she says, That idiot, hes been peeing in the refrigerator!

I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Dont try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. Hell then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so dont expect toomuch.)IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. Thats because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

Q: Why didnt the rubber chicken cross the road?

A: Because he didnt have any guts.

Wife : you delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this cushy life to keep

I pray for toys that look like mice
and warm cushions soft and nice

For grocery bags where I can hide
Just like a tiger croucched inside

I pray for gourmet kitty snacks
and someone nice to scratch my back

For window sills all warm and bright
for shadows to explore by night

I pray Ill always stay real cool
and keep the secret feline rule

To never tell a human that
The world is really run by cats.

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep Ill let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow — youre exactly right. I guess blondes really arent dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep." The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you cant have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Maam, thats my dog."