A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! Ive got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that Im a dog. Its crazy. I dont know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "Im not allowed up on the furniture."
How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its trunk until it goes blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor. He doesnt believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says, Im sorry, but your dog is dead. The man doesnt believe him and says, I want a second opinion.
The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, Meeoowrr. The vet says again, Im sorry, sir, your dog is dead.
The man says, No, I want another opinion.
So the doctor brings out a Laborador Retriever and he jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, Rrrrr. The vet says, Im sorry, sir, but your dog is dead. that will be 500 dollars.
$500 to tell me my dog is dead? asks the man.
Well, the vet replies, Im 100 dollars, the cat scan was 300 and the lab test was 200 dollars.
How do you catch a polar bear?
You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the
polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!
Whats the difference between a woman and dog at your front door?
The dog will stop barking once you let it in!
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, Hey, lady! Youre really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! Youre really ugly!" She was incrediblyticked now, so she wentinto the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The storemanager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didnt say it again.The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said."Yes?""You know."
One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?
Well, said the farmer, that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids.
Thats amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs? said the man.
Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didnt. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it werent for that pig we would all be dead.
But still, that doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs.
And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was.
Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs? the man said quite annoyed at this point.
Well, said the farmer, with a pig that special…
you have to eat em real slow.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument
about who was better on his computer. They had been going at
it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the
bickering.
Finally God said, Cool it. I am going to set up a
test that will run two hours and I will judge who does
the better job.
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and
typed away. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports.
They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They downloaded. They
did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every
known job. About ten minutes before their time was up,
lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain
poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan
stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them
rebooted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming Its gone! Its all gone! I lost
everything when the power went out!
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all
of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this
and became very irate: Wait! He must have cheated.
How did he do that?
God shrugged and said, Jesus saves.