Old Jokes | New Jokes

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out whats going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, Pardon me. May I help you with something.

The blind man says, No thanks. Im just looking around.

In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

Talking Dog for Sale.

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

You talk? he asks.

Yep, the mutt replies.

So, whats your story?

The mutt looks up and says, Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasnt getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now Im just retired.

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, Ten dollars.

The guy says, This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?

The owner replies, Hes just a big liar. He didnt do any of that stuff.

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, What where you doing in the pond after midnight?

I was blowing bubbles. The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. Judge, I was blowing bubbles.

He then called in duck number three and said, So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?

No, Im Bubbles.

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible!, the priest exclaimed, Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didnt allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.
Just watch me and follow my lead, he said.

He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, Im sorry but I cant let you in here.

The guy looked at the bartender and asked, Why not?

The bartender replied, Well, we dont allow dogs into the bar.

But this is my seeing eye dog, the guy said.

Oh, Im sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever.

The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he cant let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

But this is my seeing eye dog, said the second guy.

The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, Sir, ah um a Chihuahua?

The man looked a little puzzled and then said, What? They gave me a Chihuahua?

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Q: Why cant Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedghog?
A: A six-foot toothbrush.

A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. I wish…that all the bears in this forest were female. The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. I wish…that all the bears in this country to be female! The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said, You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met! Then he asked for his last wish. I wish…that all the bears in this world to be female! The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, I wish the bear was gay