Old Jokes | New Jokes

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water.

Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below? asks a little old lady, terrified.

Yes, Im afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs.

And if I do this, the sharks wont eat me any more? asks the little lady.

Oh, they will eat you all right, only they wont enjoy it so much.

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do Kamakazie pilots wear helmets?

Why do they sterlize needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.

Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.

Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss.

Thats not why its there.

Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

Its there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude theyll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight… Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and some good head. All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says Don’t forget his coffee!

There are 3 ladies on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.



A chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up.





A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The chinese lady replied that if she lookod beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first,On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewellery.





An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.



The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.





Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off.





Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the Black Box first.

Justin Williams told this joke on his Cajun Cooking show:

Two Cajuns, Rober and Maurice, decided that hunting possums had gotten too dull, so they planned a trip to Canada to shoot moose. They flew in commercial planes all the way to Saskatoon, and from there, they hired a bush pilot to take them in a little plane into moose country.

The pilot put them down in a short little airstrip about 200 kms from nowhere.

Boys, he said, Ill be back here at noon in three days. You be right here, and remember that this plane is too small to carry more than the three of us and ONE moose. So, theres no need to hunting more than ONE moose, because you wont be able to take but one out of here.

Robert and Maurice nodded agreement, and off the plane went, leaving the two Cajuns in the wilderness, eager for their hunting expedition.

On the third day, the plane landed at 11:55 local time, and there beside the airstrip were Robert and Maurice, each sitting on a moose, grinning broadly.

OK, said the pilot, which moose are we going to take back?

Why, both of them, said Rober, we got to take these meese back to show that we are both as good as the other.

No, no, NO, said the pilot, I told you that the plane could bring back only ONE moose.

Whats the matter? asked Maurice, aint yo plane good enough to carry one little ol extra moose? We got two meese on a plane just like this one last year.

OK, agrees the pilot, aint nobody going to out-fly me around here. If you got two moose on that plane, you can get two moose on my plane.

So, they load up, take off, and the plane, as predicted, cant handle the extra load, and they CRASH.

The two Cajuns wake up in adjacent tree tops, and Rober asks, Where ARE we?

Maurice reponds, About 100 yards further that we were last year!

There are five people on a plane thats crashing. There is the pilot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes. The pilot jumps out and yells, God bless me! Bill Gates jumps out and yells, God bless me and my bank account! Michael Jordan jumps out and yells, God bless me and my team! Wayne Gretzky jumps out and yells, God bless me and the New York Rangers! The big, fat lady jumps out without a parachute and yells, God bless me and the people I land on!

Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly and they come away from their course and they have no idea where they are.

So they go down to 15 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer. Could you tell us where we are?

You are in a balloon.

So the one pilot to the other:

The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an economist

Then you must be businessmen, answers the man.

Thats right! How did you know?

You have such a good view from where you are and yet you dont know where you are!

An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of
himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the
B-52 crew was, Anything you can do, I can do better.

Not to be outdone, the
bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued
its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked,
So? What did you do?

We just shut down two engines.

Henry Cate III

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, Keith, were in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

Keith replied, No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!