Old Jokes | New Jokes

(source: Rex Loring, former RAF pilot)

Air-to-ground conversation involving BOAC pilot approaching Karachi
(Pakistan) International Airport:

Pilot: Speedbird 7-0-7 here. Request permission to land on runway 42-
Left.

Tower: Sorry, Speedbird 7-0-7. Runway 42-Left is closed. There was an
unfortunate incident yesterday. But you are cleared for landing on runway
19-Right.

Pilot: Roger Karachi tower. Proceeding on approach pattern.

[As the pilot enters final approach, he is appalled to see a 747 taking
off from that runway and heading straight at him. After taking violent
evasive action, the conversation resumes]

Pilot: Karachi Tower. What is going on ?? You cleared me for landing
on runway 19-Right, but there was another plane taking off from there !!!

Tower: Oh dear. I do hope we will not have a repeat of yesterday.

A photographer from a well know national magazine
was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the
fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke
was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it
impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos
from the air. His request was approved and arrangements
were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where
a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport
and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with
his bag and shouted, Lets go! The pilot swung the little
plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, Fly over the park and make two or three
low passes so I can take some pictures.

Why? asked the pilot. Because I am a photographer, he
responded, and photographers take photographs.

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered,
You mean youre not the flight instructor?

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, Edna, Id like to ride in that there airplane.

And every year Edna would say, I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, Edna, Im 71 years old. If I dont ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.

Edna replied, Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

The pilot overheard them and said, Folks, Ill make you a deal. Ill take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I wont charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars.

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, By golly, I did everything could think of to get you to yell out, but you didnt.

Fred replied, Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots.
During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept
of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the
intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a
solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked
if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a
solid to a gas (expecting dry ice as the answer), a previously unknown
section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word
burrito.

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what the consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports: The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

- Audobon Magazine

A photographer for anational magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advisedthat a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived atthe airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane waswaiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Lets go!" The tense mansitting in the pilots seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air,though flying erratically.

"Fly over the northside of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-levelpasses."

"Why?" asked thenervous pilot.

"Because Im going totake pictures!" yelled the photographer. "Im a photographer, and photographerstake pictures!"

The pilot replied,"You mean youre not the flight instructor?"

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "Im going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy." Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."Not even noticing Britneys stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, Im going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and cant stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think Ill throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

Taken from this mornings Metro (7th June, London, UK):

A friendly greeting caused a major airport security alert when a man called Hi, Jack to a colleague on board an aircraft.

A SWAT team and dozens of police reinforcements were called to the Oakland International Airport near Detroit in the US.

Lt. Rick Crigger said, There was a guy on the plane named Jack, and someone walked in and said, Hi Jack. The mike just happened to be open and the tower heard it.

Thinking someone was hijacking the corporate jet, the FBI as well as police were called to prepare for a hostage situation. Air traffic controllers ordered the plane to return to the tower but, after a quick check on the identity of the pilot, the jet was cleared for take off.