Old Jokes | New Jokes

DOS Airline:
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they
jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground
again, then they push again, jump on again and so on.
DOS with QEMM Airline:
The same thing but with more leg room to push.
Mac Airline:
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers,
and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the
same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are
told you dont need to know, dont want to know, and that
everything will be done for you without you having to know,
so just shut up.
OS/2 Airline:
To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different
times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a
form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should
look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus.
If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane
succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful
trip… except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in
position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and
get in crash position.
Windows Airline:
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly
stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and a
completely uneventful takeoff…then, once in the air, the
plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.
Win NT Airline:
Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison,
and forms the outline of an airplane. Then they all sit down
and make a whooshing sound like theyre flying.
Unix Airline:
Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come
to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane
together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of
plane theyre building.
Mach Airline:
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an
airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people
come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people
all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece,
arguing constantly about what kind of plane theyre building. The
plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting
and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the
pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform
them that they have arrived.
Newton Airline:
After buying your tickets 18 months in advance, you finally get to
board the plane. Upon boarding the plane, you are asked for your
name. After 4-6 times, the crew member recognizes your name and you
are then allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to
take your seat, the steward announces that you will have to repeat
the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount
to make sure they can take more passengers.
GEORGE 3
When you ask why its taking so long to fly from Ontario
to LA they explain that 80% of power is used to keep the plane in the
air and only 20% is designed for going places.
NOS
The only way to do anything is to say it in either FORTRAN 66 or
Algol 60. Each seat has room for three normal people. You can only
get out at every 10th landing.

This is a bit of light relief from an internal web site here at
Netscape. Apparently, it has been excerpted from Masquerade: The
Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II, Seymour Reit (Signet,
1980):

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale
that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied
pilots. The German airfield, constructed with meticulous care,
was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks,
and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the
last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF
plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once,
and dropped a large wooden bomb.

[Ed: Reportedly told in the November 88 Playboy Party Joke Column]

Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada.
Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, Remember only one
moose, because the plane wouldnt be able to take off with more weight
than that. The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to
pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.

The pilot fumes, I told you guys only one moose, youll have to leave one
because we wont be able to take off with that much weight. Oh, cmon,
beg the two hunters, Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, youre
just a chicken.

Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to
bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake,
straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as
they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the
lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks
at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, Where are we? To which
the other hunter replies, Oh, Id say about a hundred yards farther than
last year.

Joe Dakes

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, Look, I just made two people really happy. Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier. At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…

Pilot - Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … its a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

And, after landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted.

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

And from the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, That was quite a bump and I know what yall are thinking. Im here to tell you it wasnt the airlines fault, it wasnt the pilots fault, it wasnt the flight attendants fault…..it was the asphalt!

Another flight Attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope youll think of us here at US Airways.

Thought Id pass along a grant proposal for important research. The following letter was received by the head meteorologist at the Miami, FL weather service office.

Dear Sir:

Last night, my 7 year-old son saw the movie Twister. He has abandoned his dreams of being a train engineer and wants to be a meteorologist. Needless to say he was determined to make an even better tornado studying machine. He wanted to empty his bank account to get a tornado sniffing dog.

I told him that the U.S. Government funded scientific research, and suggested he write for a grant. I thought you may enjoy his efforts, and I know that we would appreciate some kind of reply to his Grant Request.

Thank you for your time.

Dear Sirs:

I want to make an experiment to study tornadoes from the inside. I need a lot of money, so I am asking you for a Grant.

I will need these things:

1 helicopter
5 gallons of gas for the helicopter
5 pilots for the helicopter
1 stewardess to serve cokes
1 dog with a good sense of smell (not too big)
1 crash helmet for the dog
100 cameras
100 empty cans of coke (cut into little wings with a hole in the middle)
10 video cameras
1 Doppler radar
1 truck
1 camper lunch
2 computers (1 with pictures)
100 metal boxes for cameras (with a hole so the camera can see outside)
100 parachutes for the cameras
1 vacation for my family to Oklahoma and Kansas so we can find tornadoes

I think this will probably cost around $5000, so send me the money as soon as you can, so I can find a dog with a good sense of smell to sniff the tornadoes. I promised an old lady that we would bring her a video of the inside of a tornado, so I really need to get started.

Thank you,

Chaille

The United States of America apologizes to the Peoples Republic of China for allowing our slow, lumbering reconnaissance plane to be hit by your poorly trained, hot-dogging fighter pilot, while flying in international airspace.

Were sorry we have to fly surveillance missions to monitor a country that has nuclear missiles pointed at us.

Were sorry your pilot didnt follow international standards of fighter intercept protocol.

Were sorry his aircraft recognition skills were so poor he didnt realize the EP-3 aircraft was propeller driven and flew his aircraft through its propeller arc, destroying his aircraft and nearly killing 24 American crewmen.

Were sorry your fighter pilots survival training and equipment was so inadequate that he couldnt survive until your poorly trained and equipped navy could find him (they turned down our offer for search and rescue assistance).

Were sorry you violated international law and arrested the crewmen of an aircraft that legally diverted into your airfield under emergency conditions caused by your pilots actions, after being led there by one of your other pilots.

Were sorry you violated international law and boarded a state aircraft.

Were sorry the world is now seeing you for the enemy of freedom, truth, and democracy that you really are.

Were sorry you see yourself as a superpower when in reality you are a third world nation (the average Chinese worker earns less than $.10 a day).

Were sorry you are loosing so much face over this.

Were sorry that you were able to steal some missile and nuclear secrets from us.

Were sorry you havent learned from the Soviet Unions collapse and failed to embrace democracy and capitalism (compare tiny Taiwan and mainland China; same people, same culture, but Taiwans capitalistic economy is a powerhouse and Chinas economy is still mired in communism).

Were sorry for the future Chinese military deaths that will occur when we retaliate for your roguish behavior.

And most of all, were sorry for the Chinese people who suffer its leaders incompetence.

Sincerely,

Rob Robinette

Citizen of the United States of America

P.S. If a speed boat goes out to inspect a cruise ship and they collide, who do you think is at fault?

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”

This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?

A. You only have to teach them to take off.

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines …

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee….

Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

United Airlines FA: Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines wed like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called touchdown.

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate!

Another flight Attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

Overheard by a guy giving rides: Sorry about the rough landing, but Im practicing for a job at SAS. Next time Ill try to lose your luggage.

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasnt the pilots fault, and it wasnt the planes fault … it was the asphalt.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a Thanks for flying XYZ airline.

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?

Why no said the pilot, Maam, what is it?

The little old lady said, Did we land or were we shot down?