Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, Martha, Id like to ride in that there airplane. And every year Martha would say, I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, Martha, Im 71 years old. If I dont ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.
Martha replied, Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.
The pilot overheard them and said, Folks, Ill make you a deal, Ill take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I wont charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars. Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didnt.
Stumpy replied, Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.
Archive for the ‘Aviation’ Category
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)= PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.
(P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) Thats what they are there for.
(P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles FUNNY. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
Overheard in a restaurant last night:
An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision
exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor
used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded
to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that shed been hoodwinked.
Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could
not contain her curiosity. How is it that someone with your eyesight can
manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the
plane out to the runway?
Well, says the pilot, its really not very hard. All you have to do is
follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And
besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years.
I can understand that, replies the doctor. But what about the take-off?
Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to
full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!
But once youre aloft?
Oh, everythings fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our
destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty
much flies itself.
But I still dont see how you land!
Oh, thats the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airports radio
beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and
wait for the co-pilot to yell, AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! pull the nose up, and
the plane lands just fine!
Aaron Endelman
This is Captain of your plane speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard Indian Airways flight 596 Bombay to GOA. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Arabian Sea.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, What was the problem?
The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, explained the Flight Attendant, and it took us a while to find a new pilot.
10. In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on stun.
9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp–the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable–after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7. One word: lightsabers.
6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg Collective with one glance.
5. The Death Star doesnt care if a world is Class M or not.
4. Luke Skywalker not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
1. Picard pilots Enterprise through asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
Joke found on http://www.bright.net
This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.
But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked. I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked. He quickly answered: Oh, the dogs leash goes slack.
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, Edna, Id like to ride in that there airplane. And every year Edna would say, I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars. One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, Edna, Im 71 years old. If I dont ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. Edna replied, Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars. The pilot overheard them and said, Folks, Ill make you a deal. Ill take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I wont charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars. Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didnt. Fred replied, Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: Thank you for participating in Deltas physical fitness program.