Old Jokes | New Jokes

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered.
The first guy said, Hey, Ill bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!
Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, YOURE ON!
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. WOW, screamed the 2nd guy, That was incredible. Do it again!
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

Ok, said the first guy, But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. Your turn, he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.
The bartender remarked, You sure are mean when youre drunk, Superman!

Whats red,white,black and blue lying in a ditch? A redhead telling too many blonde jokes.

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him hell tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.

OK, says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
You have one wish.

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
Hey, I didnt want a million ducks.

The barman replies, You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, You dont feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”“As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

Guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a beer. At this point the bartender leaves to take care of some business in the back. As he is about to take his first sip someone says,

Hey thats a great coat!

He turns around and to his surprise no one is there. He shrugs it off as nothing and goes back to his beer.

You look great did you get a haircut?! Again someone exclaims.

He turns around, and again; No one.

He goes back to his beer when someone again shouts.

Those shoes go great with that great coat!

At this point the man is just about at his wits end, when the bartender comes out.

Excuse me barkeep the man replies Someone keeps speaking to me, but everytime I turn around no one is there.

The bartender replies back at the bewildered man. Oh thats just the peanuts… Theyre complimentry

A little boy on the way to school one day saw a drunk playing with himself in an alley. The boy asked what he was doing. The drunk said playing with my birdie, playing with my birdie He then passed out. When he came to he was in the hospital, in pain around his groin area. He asked the Dr what happened, the Dr brought in the little boy and told him to answer the man. The boy said after you went to sleep mister, I played with your birdie and he spit at me so I broke his neck, cracked his eggs and set his nest on fire

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender replies that he doesnt have any grapes.

The next day the duck walks into the same bar and again asks the bartender if he has any grapes, and again the bartender tells him that he doesnt.

This goes on for a week, until the frustrated bartender warns the duck that if he asks that stupid question one more time, hes going to staple the ducks bill closed.

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any staples? The bartender says, No. So the duck says, Good. In that case, do you have any grapes?

One night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral hound floats in through the door.

The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks yeah, what do you want?.

The phantom hound explains, in a haunting voice Ive lost my tail…… and cannot rest until a kindly barman stitches it back-on.

At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog….. Sorry, but we dont re-tail spirits at this time of night.

A man walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me two shots.

Bartender says, You want them both now or one at a time?

The guy says, Oh, I want them both now. Ones for me and ones for this little guy here, and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks He can drink?

Oh, sure. He can drink.

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

Thats amazing says the bartender. What else can he do, can he walk?

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, Hey, Jake. Go get that.

The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter.

Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock.

Thats amazing he says, what else can he do? Does he talk?

The man says Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor a Nigger!