A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? He asks as he puts on an innocent look. The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.
Archive for the ‘Bar’ Category
An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!"
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I dont drink, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” So the bartender said, “Well would you like a cigarette,” but the man said “No, I dont smoke, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” The bartender asked him if hed like to play a game of pool, and again the man said “No I dont like pool, I tried it once but I didnt like it. As a matter of fact I wouldnt be here at all, but Im waiting on my son!” The bartender said, “Your only son I presume!!”
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar! The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails? Confused, the bartenders says no. Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, What in the world happened to you, buddy?.
The guy says, Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore. Yeah? asks the bartender. What did she do?
She hit me with her bag of quarters!.
Gary and Lorne were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Lornes penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
Wow, Gary said.
Ive never seen one like that before.
Like what?
Lorne said.
All twisted like a corkscrew, Gary said.
Well, whats yours like?
Lorne said.
Straight, like normal, Gary said.
I thought mine was normal until I saw yours, Lorne said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
What did you do that for?
asked Lorne.
Shaking off the excess drops, replied Gary.
Like normal.
Cripes, Lorne said.
And all these years Ive been wringing it.
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.
Well, Sean replied, between you and me we got em all.
A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!
The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself.
Thatll be $80 for the round, says the bartender, to which the man replies, I dont have a plug nickel.
The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street.
The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE—and go ahead and have one yourself, too!
As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back himself.
Ok, thats $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight,
The man replies, I dont have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, sorry to say.
The bartender, enraged at this, smashes the man in the head over and over as he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street.
The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as hes working, Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE.
Turning around, he cant believe the drunk is back for a third time.
What, nothing for me this time?
Hell no, says the drunk. You get MEAN when you drink!
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, Give me six double vodkas.
The barman says Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.
Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?
Yeah, my wife…