An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!
An arm less man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?
The bartender quickly replied, The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.
There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.
The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.
After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, Well, I have a tattoo, too!
The men all look surprised.
The woman continues, I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?
The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman..
Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.
One of the men asks, Whats wrong, sweet lady?
The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, Oh, nothing, I cant show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it.
Theres a guy in a bar, its late, and the guy and the bartender are the only ones left in the bar.
The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?
The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, ok, show me
The guy then spits, and makes it in the glass, without getting any on the counter or the floor.
The bartender say, Thats amazing! You deserve the $50!
The next day, about noon, the guys in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if he could do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would be give him $100?
The bartender agrees, and the guy spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else. Than the evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks glass all over the bar. He than says to the guy, if you can spit in all of these glass at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, Ill give you $200
The guy says, Sure, but I need a little time to get ready
So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. the bartender, seeing that the guy has missed every single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys than pays the bartender, and says, I dont see what youre so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and youd be happy about it.
A guy walks into a bar, and sees his best friend sitting there, getting drunk.
When he asks what the problem is, the friend says When I make love to my wife, she just lays there. Ive tried everything, but she doesnt moan, doesnt scream, doesnt even move
The guy pats his friend on the back and says Yeah, she does that with me, too.
A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him.
He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here… I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you dont believe me.
The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, Is everything in your establishment really gold?
Yes, he replied, everything is gold colored.
Even the urinal? she queried.
The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night.
a man walks into a bar and says i want a beer with a side o f a coke the chinese waitergoes and pees in the coke and comes back with the coke and beer the guy takes a sip of coke and sprays it out in disgust and the waiter dances around chanting me chinese me no joke me go peepee in your coke this happens to two more people before a cowboy comes in same thing happens and after the chinese man gets done with his little chant of his the cowboy pulls him by the colar and whispers into his ear me cowboy me shoot fast me shott bulets up your____
20 dollars
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me.
His friend says Dont worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
You reek of alcohol and youve thrown up all over yourself, my God youre disgusting etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, Wait. Its not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. Hed obviously had one too many, or else he just couldnt hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket.
She looks in his breast pocket and says, But this is forty dollars.
Ah, yes. says the man. He peed in my trousers too.
A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didnt smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.
In the bar, he saw the local jock of the towns football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.
The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, Buddy, if she went out with me, shed never go out with you ever again.
To which the local jock replied, Hey buddy, if she went out with you, shed never go out with ANYONE ever again.
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. You look great tonight! it said. You really look fantastic - And that after shave is just wonderful! The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. You BASTARD. Oh my god you STINK. Do you know, youre almost as ugly as your mother!
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
Ah yes sir, the bartender responds. The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.