Old Jokes | New Jokes

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.

The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

Look, said the customer, I have no arms - would you please hold
the glass up to my mouth?

Sure, said the bartender, and he did.

Now, said the customer, I wonder if youd be so kind as to get
my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.

Certainly. And it was done.

If, said the armless man, youd reach in my right hand pants
pocket, youll find the money for the beer.

The bartender got it.

Youve been very kind, said the customer. Just one thing more.
Where is the mens room?

Out the door, said the bartender, turn left, walk two blocks,
and theres one in a filling station on the corner.

from Rude Jokes
by H. Allen Smith
Fawcett Publications, Inc 1970
pages 15-16

Duke McMullan

The first little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the little pig said Can I use your toilet? and the bar man said straight ahead.

Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the little pig said Can I use your toilet? and the bar man said straight ahead.

The third little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the Bar man said I suppose you want to use the toilet, but the third little pig said No, Im the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.

Two dwarfs are sitting in a bar talking about women and beer when a couple of prostitutes stide up to them.

Like any buisness tonight?

They ask, making sure their ample clevages are showing.

Ay! Allright Of course obviously they are scottish…

Just so happens we have two rooms in the hotel accross road The first dwarf, Malcolm says.

They cross the road and go up to their hotel rooms which are situated next to each other. Dwarf number 2 Jimmy as he likes to be called sits on the bed with his partner for the night.

Ahhh….has been a long time since I have enjoyed such a woman as yourself Jimmy tells his new found friend. But to his disgust he has great problems trying to get lil Jimmy to cooperate…. To make the situation worse he can hear Malcolm in the next room….

ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MMMWWAWWAAAAA!! Obviously he is having far greater success… In fact at this point in time Jimmy is thinking, Malcolm is the God of sex… Capable of arousing and giving almost painful pleasure any woman.

Next morning Jimmy walks across the road the bar for an early pint to drown his sorrows in. but sitting at the counter is Malcolm.

Ahhhh…hello Malcolm, what an appauling night…Lil Jimmy wasnt playing along says the dwarf…

Hah!! says Malcolm.

Its fine for you. I couldnt even get on the bed!!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say,

Wow! You look GREAT tonight!

The man looks over at the bartender who didnt say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again!

Thats an awesome shirt! You are amazing!

He looks around and hes the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, Was the voice saying bad things or good things?

And the man replies, Good things, why?

And the bartender says, It must have been the complimentary nuts.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.



The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?, asks the Irishman.



The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.



The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?.



The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

The drunk replied. I was talking to the duck.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, whats the matter?

The fellow replies, well Ive got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well… I cant tell them apart. I dont know if Im mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.

Why dont you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?

The man stops crying and says, that sounds like a good idea, I think Ill try it.

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

Whats the matter now?

the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I cant tell them apart again!
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, why dont you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!
The bartenter, now furious at the guys general stupidity, yells, for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one! The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

It worked, it worked! he exclaims.

I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, You know, Im not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?
The big guy nods slowly. Hes obviously fielded this question many times.
One day, he begins, I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.
So I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, You now have 3 wishes.
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, What will be your second wish?
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream. She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?
I looked at her and replied, How about a little head?

A man walks up to the bartender and says, I bet you $100 dollars that I can stand on your bar and leak into a jar without spilling a drop.

The bartender laughs and tells him that is it such an impossible bet, hell take it. So the man stands up on the bar, and cheering to his friends in the back, begins to leak.

He not only misses the jar, but doesnt even get a single drop in. He pisses all over the bar and floor and over the bartender. When he is done the bartender is still laughing and asks the man to give him the hundred bucks. The man hands over the money and smiles at the bartender.

The bartender asks him what is so funny when he just obviously lost so badly. The man replies, I just bet my friends $1000 that I could leak all over you and your bar and not only would you not mind, but you would find it hilariously funny!.