Old Jokes | New Jokes

Once upon a time a humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relationship, but one day Princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab any more.

But why? gasped the humble crab.

Daddy says that crabs are too common, sobbed the princess. Youre a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways.

Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness.
That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball and lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Princess Lobster, however, sat by her fathers side inconsolable.

Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab. Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking dead straight, one claw after another. A silence gathered around the room. All the lobsters eyes fell on the intruder.

Step by painful straight step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally Crab spoke up:

F***, Im pissed!

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, Hey Senor, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona. The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.



The guy from Budweiser says, Id like the best beer in the world, give me The King Of Beers, a Budweiser. The bartender gives him one.



The guy from Coors says, Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors. He gets it.



The guy from Guinness sits down and says, Give me a Coke. The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.



The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask Why arent you drinking a Guinness? and the Guinness president replies, Well, I figured if you guys arent drinking beer, neither would I.

A regular at Bobs Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

Whoa, Sam! said the bartender. Who gave those beauties to you?

Nobody gave them to me, said Sam. I had to fight like crazy for both of them!

A bologna sandwich walks into a bar, sits down, and starts to order a drink.

The bartender looks at him funny and says Get out of here. We dont serve food in here!

This bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve beers to bears in this bar.

The bear bangs on the bar.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars.

The bear grabs a passing barmaid and bashes her.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars and bash barmaids.

The bear bellows at the other barman to bring him a beer.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve beers to bears in this bar,
especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at barmen.

In exasperation, the bear bites the bar.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve bears who are on drugs.

The bear says On drugs?

The barman says Yes - I saw the bar-bit-u-ate

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.

He turned his lights on, then off.

He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.

He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.

The cop was dumbfounded.

This equipment must be broken, exclaimed the policeman.

I doubt it, said the man. Tonight Im the designated decoy.

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?

Then the lady answered, Excuse me, I think this is a goose.

And the bartender says, Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells Give me a Budweiser, or…! Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.

Give me a Budweiser, or…! O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?

stammers the bartender.

A small Coke.

A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over

Man: Thats not so bad, whats the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So then what happened?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

Man: ‘Again? So what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: ‘And then what.

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset.

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.” So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.” The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what Ive got.” The bartender says, “Whatve you got?” The guy says, “75 cents.”