McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
Excuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.
What was that all about?
Nothing, said the Irishman, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.
Women goes into a bar with a duck under her arm.
Bartenders says whatll the pig have.
The woman says, thats not a pig, thats a duck!.
I know says the bartender, I was talking to the duck.
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, You know, Im not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?
The big guy nods slowly. Hes obviously fielded this question many times.
One day, he begins, I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, You now have 3 wishes.
I looked down at my scrawny 115-pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger. She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, What will be your second wish?
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream. She nodded, lay down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?
I looked at her and replied, How about a little head?
a man came staggering into a bar and said, i want a drink. the bartender said, forget it guy, your too drunk, just go on home. the man refused to leave, so the bartender threw him out. the man crawled around on the ground till he finally got on his feet and staggered around to the side door and came into the bar again. the bartender grabbed him and threw him out again. The man finally got on his feet again and staggered around to the back of the bar and came in the back door of the bar. The bartender grabbed the man and threw him out again. The man looked up from the ground at the bartender and said in a slurred voice, tell me mister, do you work in every freaking bar in this town?
A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.
Sure, said the drunk man.
Ill find Jesus.
So the priest took the drunk mans head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.
Damn, said the drunk man.
Are you sure he fell in there?
The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when theres a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and theres a snail sitting there.
What do you want?
asks the landlord.
The snail replies that he wants a drink.
Go away, were closed, and we dont serve snails anyway.
The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, picks the snail up, throws it as far as he can, and then slams the door shut.
….. Exactly one year later, hes locking up again, and theres a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there.
What do you want says the landlord.
What did you do that for says the snail.
One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guy says, I found out my brother is gay.
The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guys says, I found out my other brother is gay.
The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guy says, I found out my other brother is gay.
The bartender says, Doesnt anyone like pussy anymore?
The guy says, Yeah, my sister.
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer which he then proceeds to drink half of. The other half he pours on his left hand. He orders another beer and does the same. He continues to do this for several beers at which point the bartender can no longer stand the suspense and asks him what hes doing to which he replies, Im getting my date drunk.
Bob walks into a bar and says, Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!
The bartender says, Well, seems youre in a really good mood tonight, hmm?
Bob says, Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!
The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Bob comes back into the bar and says, Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!
The bartender says, Well now! If youre so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy youll be when you get your paycheck!!
Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, You mean theyll PAY me too?!
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, You look terrible. Whats the problem?
My mother died in August, he said, and left me $25,000.
Gee, thats tough, he replied.
Then in September, the friend continued, My father died, leaving me $90,000.
Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder youre depressed.
And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.
Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.
Then this month, continued, the friend, absolutely nothing!