Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, Press bell for night watchman.
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
Well, he snarled at the blonde, what do you want?
I just want to know why you cant ring the bell for yourself?
This one blonde is driving down the street and she sees this other blonde a canoe in a corn field. The blonde in the car jumps out and yells at the blonde in the canoe.
She says What the hell are you doing? Its blondes like you that make us blondes look stupid. If I knew how to swim Id come over there and kick your ass!
Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.
This guy is just starting off his career as a ventriliquist and hes going around town looking for a job. He finds one at a local nightclub.
So, on his first night, hes going through his normal routine of blonde jokes. All of a sudden, this blonde stands up in the fourth row and says, Excuse me, mister, but no physical attribute of mine affects my mental capability!
The guy is flabbergasted. He stands up and tries to apologize, but is cut off when she says, -
You stay out of this, mister. Im not talking to you, Im talking to that jerk on your knee!
A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says Well maam, I cant cut your hair with those head-phones on. Youre going to have to take them off.
She shakes her head vigorously and replies No, if I take them off, I will die. He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.
All he heard was Breathe in, breathe out, breath in.
Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde…yeah right…
1.Who do want to be most like in life:
A.Vanna White
B.Michelle Fiefer
C.Britney Spears
E.None of the Above
2.In a game of Hide-And-Go Seek, do you:
A.Run when you see the seeker
B.Stay hiding until the seeker finds you
C.Run when the seeker sees you
E.Follow the seeker quietly
3.What happens when you get Alzheimers Disease
A.You loose alot of weight
B.Gain weight
C.Get really smart
D.Loose your memory
4.How do you kill a bird:
A.Hit it
B.Throw it off a building
C.Cook it
D.All of the above
5.Whats an important question about pregnancy
A.Is it mine
B.How far along am I
C.Is it a boy or girl
D.What hospital should I go to for delivery
Dont read them this part:
Results:
1.
A=5pts.
B=3pts.
C=2pts.
D=1pt.
2.
A=4
B=5
C=2
D=3
3.
A=4
B=3
C=5
D=1
4.
A=3
B=5
C=4
D=1
5.
A=5
B=1
C=3
D=2
TOTAL:
20 =Official Dumb Blonde; 15-19=Pretty Dumb; 10-14=Not Bad; 9-Smart for a Blonde
This is supposedly a job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonalds restaurant in Florida,and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Companys President or Vice President. But seriously,whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the firstplace.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than Im worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! Thats why Im applying.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job, no - on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It shouldnt take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.
gavinfx@yahoo.com
Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. Easy, she replied. He only has one eye. The chief was stunned. He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it! He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him. He only has one ear, was her answer. What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side! He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer. After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, Hes wearing contact lenses. This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldnt tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that! Well, she said, he cant wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?