Old Jokes | New Jokes

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I love cats…they taste just like chicken

Laugh alone and the world thinks youre an idiot.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….

Your kid may be an honor student but youre still an IDIOT!

I souport publik edekasion

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: Ill buy it for you.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

Gravity - Its not just a good idea, its the LAW!

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Life is too complicated in the morning.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

Nobodys perfect. Im a Nobody.

My wife said If you go hunting or fishing one more time Im going to leave you …Im sure going to miss her.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Todays subliminal message is: ( )

Death is Natures way of saying slow down.

Dont force it, get a larger hammer.

Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Herblocks Law: If its good, they will stop making it.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It works better if you plug it in.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont.

I feel like Im diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Hes not dead, hes electroencephalographically challenged.

Shes always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If you are psychic - think HONK

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Youre just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Dont get me mad! Im running out of places to hide the bodies!

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! Well stripmine the other planets later.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I wont rise to the occasion, but Ill slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I dont suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where theres a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Santas elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Make yourself at home …..clean my kitchen

Allow me to introduce my selves

Better living through denial

Im just working here until a good fast food job opens up….

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

Too many freaks not enough circuses

Ambivalent? Well yes and no….

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

Im not tense, just terribly, terribly alert….

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Dont bother me. Im living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be … ?