Old Jokes | New Jokes

Whats the definition of mixed emotions?
– When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Whats the height of conceit?
– Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Whats the definition of macho?
– Jogging home from your own vasectomy

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
– One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

Why dont blind people like to sky dive?
– Because it scares the heck out of the dog.

How do you double the value of a Yugo?
– You fill it with gas.

What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
– Neither of them can stop a Bronco.

Have you heard George Michaels new song?
– Its called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go

I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
– The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
– Anyone can roast beef.

What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
– The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and God?
– God doesnt think hes a lawyer.

Whats the weather like in Tahoe?
– Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.

What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

They both have boys pants half off.

What college did Michael Jackson attend?

Whats the difference between a polythene bag and Michael Jackson?



A: One is made of plastic and dangerous to



children,the other is used to carry your



shopping home!

Tommy Lees………………Camp Kickachick
Monica Lewinskys………Camp Suckaweewee
President Clintons……….Camp Getahoochie
Ellen DeGeneress……..Camp Lickacoochie
Kenneth Stars……………..Camp Catchacrook
O.J. Simpsons…………….Camp Killachick
Lorena Bobbits…………..Camp Cutaweewee
Tonya Hardings………….Camp Clubaknee
Susan Smiths……………….Camp Blameabrotha
Pamela Lees……………….Camp Lottatatas
Michael Jacksons……….Camp Wannabewhitey
Louis Farakahns…………Camp Killawhitey

What did Michael Jackson say to the priest when he saw a five year old boy?

Hands off! I saw him first…

Q: Whats brown and often found in childrens underpants?

A: Michael Jacksons hand.

A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman.

The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both.

The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both.

Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both.

The boy then asks Father, is Michael Jackson God??

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, Hello, Patricia Whack. Id like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.
Patti looks at this frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000 and the teller asks him his name, and the frog says its Kermit Jagger, hes the adopted pet of Mick Jagger and that its ok, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything that he can use as collateral. The frog says, Sure. I have this, and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that shell have to consult with the manager and leaves the room. She finds the manager and says, There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know Mick Jagger and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral. She holds up the tiny pink elephant and asks, What the heck is this?
The bank manager looks her in the eye and says:Its a knick knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old mans a Rolling Stone.

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jacksons new book?

A: Its called, The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing