Old Jokes | New Jokes

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The Its a Small World After All creatures go on a rampage.

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting Kill Clinton, kill Clinton.

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. Main Street Electrical Parade becomes Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade.

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

Apparently a computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 . When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.

News just in of Microsofts latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.

It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.



The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.



While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.



OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.



At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.



DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.



CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.



Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what weve been doing to our customers for years.

There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.



The first beggar wrote Beggar on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.



The next day, the second beggar wrote Beggar.com on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.



The following day, the third beggar wrote e-Beg on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

1. Word processors never display a cursor.2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.5. Those that dont will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES on any keyboard.7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villains desktop computer, even if its turned off.9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesnt go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever o

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Mac – Big Bobs favorite fast food.

I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password….now you have to understand hes got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect…so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in penis…I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

1. Open an executable file on my machine. Please dont send any.

1a. Open Word documents (notorious for their embedded macros, possibly infected). (Get WordPerfect, at least its got a spell checker thats literate.) Please dont send any.

2. Read or pass on ANY kind of chain letter. Please dont send any.

3. Read a message thats been forwarded multiple times and is embedded three or more emails deep. If its worth sending, its worth copying and pasting; I receive too many emails to go up to my waist in any particular one, or read through 2 screens of email addresses. Please dont send any.

Why?

Because … I dont have Microsoft patience.