I know Daddys password!
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, I know Daddys password! I know Daddys password!
What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, Ill take this option.
Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!
Thats what everyone thinks, snickered Satan. The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasnt…
What about the PC?
Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan. And its missing three keys.
Which three?
Control, Alt and Delete.——
How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:
You start introducing yourself as lord at pacbell dot net
Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like
You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again
Your phone bill is delivered in a box
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom
All of your friends have an @ in their names
You tell the cab driver you live at http://
123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
You tell the kids they cant use the computer because Daddys got work to do and you dont have a job.
You get a tattoo that says This body best viewed with Netscape
3.01
You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet
You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile 
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the back button
Your computer goes down, you havent logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.
By Nicholas Petreley
Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, were about to begin a sequel.
Capitan, Windows 95 doesnt do SQL.
Right. Then lets see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?
Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, well risk a matter-antimatter explosion!
Scotty, thats an order.
Aye, Captain, but shes just not rready. She needs a proper beta shakedown.
Thats what were doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?
Were on disk 5, sir.
Good. Spock?
Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt.
Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it cant use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?
Unknown, Captain.
Will it use a Proaudio Spectrum?
Unknown, Captain.
How about a Sound Blaster?
Unknown, Captain.
What good are you, anyway?
Box-office attraction, Captain.
Bones?
Im a doctor, not a hardware technician.
Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the Proaudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when its ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal.
Yes, Captain.
Chekov?
Weve just entered the desktop zone, Capitan.
Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the enginesll burn up fer surrre.
Scotty, we havent even started yet.
Sorry, Captain, I just havent had a line in so long…
Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad.
Yes, Captain.
Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. Well be navigating back there frequently.
Yes, sir.
Spock?
It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The Proaudio Spectrum 16 isnt responding, either in sound or SCSI.
Disable the card, Spock.
Im sorry, sir. It wont disable the SCSI without stopping the sound card first. And it wont disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first.
Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 oclock.
[looks at watch] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems.
No, sir. The ship is already upon is.
Uhura?
Scanning all frequencies, sir. Im trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow.
Scotty, whats happening down there?
The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time. Even the main 32-bit systems are blocked.
See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?
It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive.
[impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed, oohs and ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship]
Put it on visual, Chekov.
Yes, sir.
[louder oohs and ahhs]
Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!
Im sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding.
Bones?
Im a doctor, not a beta tester!
Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file.
Captain - its gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it.
Long range scan, Chekov.
I found it, Capitain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Lands of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard.
Patrick Stewart?
Youve never heard of Patrick Stewart?
No.
Must be a generation gap.
Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the enginesll burn up fer surrre.
[sigh] Maintain power, Mister Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert.
Captain, I cant figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!
Bones?
Im a doctor, not a quick reference!
Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP Laserjet.
Captain, Ive chosen the screen saver that says Chicago is COOL but now Im getting no response at the helm.
[Boom as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes Sulu - take evasive action or its certain Doom!
Yes, it certainly is Doom and I dont mind telling you Im getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games around, so what does it prove that it runs under Win 95?
Weve got… to get… to the kernel. Uhura… notify… the… kernel at star fleet.
Captain, I think either communications is breaking up, or youre dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again.
Spock?
Fascinating Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have outweighed the needs of the many.
Scotty, get us out of here!
Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! Well have to do a hard boot for surrre.
Bones?
Its dead, Jim.
You may have noticed that a new TV ad for Microsofts Internet Explorer e-mail program uses the musical theme of the Confutatis Maledictis from the Mozarts Requiem.
Where do you want to go today? is the cheery line on the screen.
Meanwhile, the chorus sings Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis, which means, The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell.
Computer science student is studying under a tree and another one pulls up on a flashy new bike The student under the tree asks, Whered you get that?!? The student on the bike replies, While I was studying outside, this girl pulls up on her bike… She takes off all her clothes and says to me, You can have anything you want. The other student responds, Good choice! — her clothes probably wouldnt have fit you.
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the MS manager replies, Well, then, that means that you virtually dont exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all of the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, What, you dont have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!
Moral of this story:
The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
If you dont have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
Seeing that you got this story via e-mail of from the web, youre probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says Ill take this option.
Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!
Thats what everyone thinks snickered Satan.
The bottle has a hole in it!
What about the PC?
Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan.
And its missing three keys,
Which three?
Control, Alt and Delete.