09
Sep
Archive for the ‘Computer’ Category
07
Sep
What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted cause the index doesnt hash, Then your situations hopeless, and your systems gonna crash!
If the above doesnt help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, Thats repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, Cause as sure as Im a poet, the suckers gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppys getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and youll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
07
Sep
Microsoft Announces a Major Corporate Diversification
Into the Car Making Business.
The major design criteria are:
Economies in interior design are based upon uniform size back-sides
seats are all the same size and standard distance from the steering wheel.
The cars will only run on Microsoft petrol (Microsoft LP Gas will be
announced soon ..)
The oil, alternator, low-fuel and engine management system warning
lights will be replaced by a single General Car Protection Fault
warning light.
Delivery strategy is such that the consumer is under constant
pressure to upgrade (modestly priced upgrade kits will be available
either dealer fitted or self install). Support for self install is
an extra cost option, cost based upon the number of calls and the
number of callers.
You can only have one person in the car at a time, unless you buy
Car95 or CarNT but having bought one of these, you still need to
purchase more seats.
Occasionally, for no reason at all, the car will die for no apparent
reason and restarting is a simple turn of the key .. strangely, this
is accepted as normal.
Every time the lines on your normal road are repainted, you must buy
a new MS Car
People would get excited about the new features of the Microsoft
car, forgetting that the same features have been available from other
car makers for years …..
and not to forget
Sun MicroSystems will make a car that is solar-powered, twice as
reliable, five times as fast but will only run on 5% of currently
constructed roads.
03
Sep
02
Sep
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted cause the index doesnt hash,
Then your situations hopeless, and your systems gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
Thats repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
Cause as sure as Im a poet, the suckers gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppys getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
The you have to flash your memory and youll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
29
Aug
AOL announced another rate increase today moving the ulimited access rate up too $23.90/month. Thought this joke was appropriate to celebrate the occassion.
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later… and later… and later… and oh forget it.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim its the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just lock-up for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair, but theyd be available 24 hours a day to screw up your car!
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? Car wouldnt come with profile feature… oh no!
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. Some compacts would claim to be limos.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, Good-Bye.
26
Aug
[Ed: Edited from an article on The humour interface project ]
The group shared their favorites. Windows that crack or melt into a
slag heap. The MacIntosh IBM DOS emulator that, when fired up,
begins to put up a zippy MacIntosh screen, stops halfway down the
screen to declare, Oops? Sorry. You wanted 1950s technology. It
then goes into command line mode. The supposed unused ROM hook in
the Mac that would have caused a monkey to dance across the screen
ONCE upon the 7698th (or whatever) boot of the machine. Insects
crawling around the screen.
As you read this, project programmers in ski-masks are already coding
up:
ELUSIVE MENU: When the mouse cursor enters such menus, the menus
dodge away while insulting the user with appropriate language and
gestures. Somebody informed us this is just like the Mac Bomb
program.
CRASHING WINDOWS: You begin to move a window. Suddenly it
accelerates out of your control up toward the corner of the screen.
When it reaches the corner, it smashes to pieces, falling to the
bottom of the screen. Appropriate sounds effects are heard. Email
is sent to the site manager blaming you for the broken window.
AEROBIC WINDOWS: You begin to move a window and suddenly it
accelerates out of your control bouncing around the screen faster
and faster. It finally slows down an sits on your screen off in the
direction you were moving it, but huffing and puffing, sort of
expanding in and out. You begin working again, its breathing slows
and stops after a few moments.
PEOPLE INSIDE THE MONITOR: You get an error. A large face leans in
from the left, gives you a Lettermanesque look, like hes got a
horrible flavor on his tongue, and then leans back out of the
monitor.
GIGANTIC SCREEN-FILLING BODY PART MOUSE CURSOR ICONS: You can move
them no more than a half inch in each direction. Need the
Interface-esE liberation Army say more?
will@mcc.com
publicist for The Humor Interface Project,
Alias Humor In Your Face, Humid Interface And Interface-Ese
liberation Army (EYEEE-EEE-AHHH…)
26
Aug
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
American history
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
Now, then …
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Microsoft Works
Thanx to Doug Taylor @ Schafer Corp.
20
Aug
A pilot was flying a small charter plane
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. He began circling around looking for a landmark.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, Hey where am I? to which the man replies, Youre in an airplane.
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. Quite easy, replies the pilot, I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsofts support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.
13
Aug
My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didnt mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; Im sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldnt be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George–err–Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, shell keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love,
Your Wife