At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.
1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.
At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.
8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
If Microsoft Built Cars…
1. A particular model year of car wouldnt be available until after that year instead of before it.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, youd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and youd have to restart it. For some strange reason, youd just accept this.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then youd have to buy more seats.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single General Car Fault warning light.
7. People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
8. Wed all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
Note to the profoundly impaired: this list is intended as humor, and consists mostly of things that you should NOT do. NOT NOT NOT do. Once more, slowly, dont do these things. If you do, youre a bad, naughty person. Bad person! Naughty! Naughty, *bad* person! Ok, now that *thats* out of the way, without further ado…
Post a message asking how to post messages.
Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.
Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of Geek Code, 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.
Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.
Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as *** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***
Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune for a poll.
Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the two-strings-go-in-a-bar joke.
Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesnt yet have its own sex group.
Post your new War Heroes of India FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
Start this weeks new AOL virus rumor.
Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new HOOTERAMA phone sex service or PorqWhiffe pheramone cologne.
Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.
Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few MAKE MONEY FAST posts.
Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.
Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas.
Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates VISA card number.
Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford.
Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word imbecile in your followup flames.
Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your work phone number.
Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.
Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.
Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for really cool nudie pics.
Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you dont read the group.
Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.
Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers, such as SoHot4U, SokSnifer, or WetNWild.
Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressing someone with whom you disagree as monkey boy.
Inform the readers of the sex groups that theyre going straight to hell, and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.
Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncles ex-girlfriends boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix.
Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts.
Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile.
Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not responding.
Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive.
Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a feeder bar.
Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes.
Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the word vomit.
Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros.
Claim that you can see hidden images in another persons posting when you cross your eyes.
Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.
Accuse female posters of being male.
Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a newbie because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4.
Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is judgemental.
If youve grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others of being Nazis.
Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo.
Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple.
Insist that theres no such state in the U.S. as New Mexico.
Post only in Esperanto.
Claim a copyright on the word Usenet, and followup with a bill all posts you encounter that contain it.
Sell posting permits in news.announce.newusers.
Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for your new band, Death Monkeys.
Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name such as Robert Bradley Smith, Jr.
In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their account passwords and credit card numbers.
Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
List a cute organization name in your header, such as Canadians for Global Warming.
Insult a poster from another nation based on his countrys performance in World War II.
Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior in alt.games.doom.
Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time.
Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line BZZZT! Wrong answer! or Hello! McFly!
Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
Post to soc.culture.women asking whats your favorite brand of oven mitt, little ladies?
Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with the original article.
Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, non-ASCII characters.
Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their relevance.
Make it clear from your postings that youve a profound inability to distinguish The X Files as fiction.
Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show clear evidence of alien settlements.
Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem usage in the name of freedom.
Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts.
Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold.
Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle.
POST IN ALL CAPS
omit all punctuation
omitallspaces
DOALLTHREEOFTHEABOVE
Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase Cantor and Siegels book.
Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the Classified ATF Secret Hotline.
Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its entirety.
Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly spelled.
Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on the topic AOL users suck.
Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it dply offnsiv.
Post to rec.music.misc insisting that Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam since theyll never tour again.
Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
Followup another persons posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of obsessing.
Followup two dozen of another persons posts to accuse them of harassing you. Send copious e-mail if youre ignored.
Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named Bluto or Brutus.
* Note: I am unsure whether this is true, but it is still funny.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car fault warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
Youd press the start button to shut off the engine.
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Spring 1996
*/
#include stdio.h
#include dos.h
#include conio.h
#include win31.h
#include evenmore.h
#include oldstuff.h
#include billrulz.h
/*
Reference:
Internal memo: #99281-95
from: William H. Gates III
to: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
William H. Gates III wrote:
I have serious doubts about the EASY
installation-definition.
It might prevent customers to think that they actually
bought something _good_. Therefore I want the
installation-definition to be HARD.
Carry on,
Bill
*/
#define INSTALL = HARD
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{ display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if(first_time_installation)
{ make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if(still_not_crashed)
{ display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
/*
Reference:
Internal memo: #99683-95
from: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
to: William H. Gates III
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:
Dear Sir,
Since we have found that this last piece of code
within the if-statement will never execute, we
descided NOT to include it in the final code.
This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes
of consumer-diskspace!
Thank you for listening to us,
the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project
*/
/* if(still_not_crashed) {
write_cheer();
finished();
}
*/ create_general_protection_fault();
}
How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though youve never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you dont have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone elses links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
Your dogs homepage is actually good.
You cant call your mother…she doesnt have a modem.
Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about their spouses. My husband, said the first, is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love.
Mine is a jeweler, the second said. he always brings me a pearl or two before we make love.
The third woman paused … Well, she finally said, my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great its going to be when I get it.