Old Jokes | New Jokes

Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs.

Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders XP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to winders XP
tiperiter………..a word processor
colering book…….a graphics program
addin mershene……calculator
outhouse paper …..notepad
jupe-box ………..CD Player
iner-net…………Microsoft Explorer
pichers………….A graphics viewer
IRS……………..M/S accounting software
IRS2……………..M/S accounting software with hidden files

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Citing the event as a new era of peace and co-operation, Bill Gates today announced Microsofts purchase of Netscape. Said Gates: Hopefully now the world knows were serious about the Web.

Microsofts first move will be to combine the two browsers, with the MINE (Microsoft Internet Netscape Explorer) browser due this year.

When we release this version, said Gates, all Web access will be MINE.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 arent really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didnt work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly

Slogans That Never Quite Caught On



Charmin: Butt… Wipe… Err.



Microsoft: How much are you going to pay today?



Eggs: The Incredible Edible Ovum.



MTV: Loud and easy to spell.



Saks 5th Avenue: You Could Shop Here if Youre Poor, But That Would be Stupid.



Iguana: The other green meat.



Penis Enlargement Specialists: It Dont Mean a Thing If It Aint Got That Swing!



Nike: Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!



Daisy Air Rifles: Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years.



Canon Photocopiers: Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!



Pepto Bismol: Squash the Squirts!



Trojans: Just add meat.



Apple MacIntosh: Hey, we thought of it first!



Radio Shack: Youve got questions, weve got geek losers!



Professional Bowling on NBC: Oh, why dont you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money, recalls Gates. I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times.

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works, says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. Except for the fact that theyre stinking rich.

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. (This is a little lie, admits software engineer Adam Miller, since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesnt embellish a little?) The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the users bank account to Microsofts. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The No button has not yet been implemented.

Were experiencing a little trouble programming the No button, Bernard Liu says, but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe.

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar. (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift, says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. I mean, in the future, we wont need laptop computers asking you for change. Youll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.

Gates responded with, I know what you are, but what am I? General pandemonium then ensued.

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God…Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call. Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide where you want to go!Bill replied, Well, thanks, God. Whats the difference between the two?God said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision. Fine, but where should I go first? God said, Im going to leave that up to you. Bill said, OK, then, lets try Hell first. So Bill went to Hell.It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. This is great! he told God, If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven! Fine, said God and off they went.Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. Hmm, I think I prefer Hell he told God. Fine, retorted God, as you desire. So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. Hows everything going, Bill? God asked.Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, This is awful, this is not what I expected. I cant believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Another organically grown entry for rec.humus. Only natural punchlines
are used in my jokes, and no antibiotics now that the infection has gone
down.

Apple Corporation Sues Itself.

[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads,
Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computer, Inc. The
company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own
machines which has helped to make the company famous.

An Apple Spokesperson stated This is no joke. If we dont protect our
copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the
exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses
the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves. The spokesperson
says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and
Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apples in house lawyers will defend.

Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure
sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. In the
old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the
competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on
reality.

The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins
the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all
Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid
all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple
terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression
in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to
learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college
students and professionals.

—==( Forwards beamed into deep space )==—

Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology. (Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

(Riker looks puzzled.) What the hell is Microsoft?

(Data turns to answer.) Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Wont they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.