Old Jokes | New Jokes

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken.

The doctor says, Why don’t you have him committed?

The guy says, We would, but we need the eggs.

Q. Why did the snooker player go to the toilet?

A. To pot the brown.

Q.how do you fit an elephant into a subway? A.take the s away from sub and the f away from way

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

What did the Pacific ocean so to the Atlantic ocean?

They didnt say anything… they just waved.

jokes

This guy is having sex with a hooker and he says, Youre so dry.

The hooker replies, Give me two minutes.

Two minutes later she comes back and they continue. The man says, Thats much better. What did you do?

The hooker replies, I picked off the scabs.

Three guys are riding horses.

1 Minnesota man, 1 Iowa man, and 1 Texas man.

Along the way the guy from texas takes out a bottle of wine, takes 1 sip throws it in the air, draws his pistol and shoots it.

The Iowa horseman asked, Whatchya doin that fer, thaz good stuff!?!

The Texan replies, Well we got plenty of that where I come from.

Later on the Iowa horseman takes out a bottle of whiskey, takes 1 sip, throws it in the air, draws his pistol and shoots it.

And the Minnesotan asked, Why the helld you do that?!?! Thats reeeeaaaalll good stuff!

And the Iowa guy replies, Oh we got plenty of that where I come from.

So the Minnesotan takes out a can of beer, slams it, shoots the guy from Iowa, and the Texan asked, Why in the name of the holy father did you do that!?!?!

The minnesotan replied, We got plenty of them where i come from!

(This wont be as funny if youre not from the great state of Minnesota.

why did the silly boy stand on his head?

because his feet where tired.

What are the two main ingredients in Viagra?

Fix-A-Flat and Miracle Grow.

these two guys walk across a field but soon get stopped by the owner. the owner is mad cuz he doesnt like anybody walking in his field. anyway he tells the two men that unless they dont do what he tells them to he will shoot their heads off. so the owner lets them sleep in his barn for one day. late that night when they two men were sleeping the owner came and woke both of them up and told them to go out in the field and pick out any fruit or vegetable of their choice. so the two men obeyed and went. one of the men came back with a melon then the owner told him to bend over and shove it up his ass. the the man started laughing and the owner was asking why is he laughing at a moment like this then the guy said because my friend out there is picking a watermelon!