Old Jokes | New Jokes

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor.

Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, Whos that guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?

Thats your father, she says.

The kid looks at her funny and asks her, Then whos that old bald headed fat man who lives with us now?

Q. Why did the snooker player go to the toilet?

A. To pot the brown.

Q. Whats worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

why did jesus stop playing HoCkEy???…………………………………….cuz he kept getting nalied to the BoArDsssss!!

(and for all you religous people i didnt mean to affend you)

Q.how do you fit an elephant into a subway? A.take the s away from sub and the f away from way

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheels in his pants and the bartender says u know u have a steering in ur pants and the pirate says arg its drivin my nuts crazy

there was a guy that went to alaska and asked the man at the border how to be a respected citizen and he said first you must drink a bottle of wiskey without moving an eyelash, then kill a polar bear, and last you must make love to an alaskan women and the man said ill drink the wiskey first and did without moving an eyelash. then asked the man where to find the polar bear and the man said on the outside of town. so he toke of and about an hour later came back all scratched bloody and his hair all matted and said wow, that was tough!now where do i kill the alaskan lady?!

Youre so poor you cant afford a boner.

What is the difference between a porkipine and a brand new BMW?

Porcupines have the pricks on the outside!!!