Old Jokes | New Jokes

In the beginning,
God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green
and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the
roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil to change channels.

And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "Youre running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre
into crisps and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.And
Man clutched his remote control and ate the crisps swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Youve seen those
ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well,
theres no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow)
a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following
exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.
Inner Thighs: Place the dogs favourite toy between
thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged
- dogs who favour shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You
could be damaged.
Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off
the bed, out of the flowerbed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages,
this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car
and so on.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy
from unsuitable tight places. If theyre too small for him, theyre certainly
too small for you. Do it anyway!
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling
when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through
the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with
multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it
stops ringing.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For
older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get
off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.
Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw
the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.
Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy.
Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives
up (we all know which comes first).
Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dogs
locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat.
Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be
quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet,
which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your
body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you
tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and
small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?
Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason,
there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds
are inadvisable.
Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmanoeuvre the canine tongue
headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program.
A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when
you least expect it.

Top Ten
Reasons Why Diets Are Better Than Sex
10. You dont have to take off your clothes.

9. You can go from diet to diet without feeling guilty.

8. Celery is ALWAYS hard.

7. On a deit, you carefully consider everything you put in your mouth.

6. Its GOOD if a diet is over quickly.

5. Dieting doesnt make you pregnant.

4. You can doze off in the middle if you want to.

3. Its okay if your dog watches.

2. You can do it with your best friends husband.
And the number one reason why dieting is better than sex….
1. You dont have to worry if it was good for the cottage cheese too.

Ive developed
halitosis

My urine is rank and yellow

Yet Im a happy fellow

In the midst of Ketosis
Salmon and steaks,

Deviled eggs and cheese

Make no mistake:

Atkins is a breeze
The pounds drop away

A few each energetic day

Will it be the Boston Marathon

Or the New York ballet?
Food is a joy, not a sin

And Im down to one chin

I feel eighteen again

No pain, yet I dont gain
Thanks Dr. Atkins for protein,

And making me lean

Once a major carb freak,

Now Im getting sleek
I ate candy and drank sugar pop

But you made me stop

All those other diets are a crock

And Im in your debt, Doc
I know this is bad verse

But I feel like Mr. Universe

And I had to tell somebody

About my new body.

"Im prescribing
these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient,
who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I dont want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor
twice a day and pick them up, one at a time…."

An elderly couple
were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of
heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean-side appartment, over
there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you
need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout
the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked
off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadnt heard about
all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

It seems that a
lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate
to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked
through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid
dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is
almost all water, and the part that isnt water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake
of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically
safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that
equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable
goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes
the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout
regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking
(very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when
you arent necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any
problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories
on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional
"How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for
lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak
out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your
heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you
will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven
to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything
you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you
have consumed at least half of the days required beers. This way the
food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again
exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl"
stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other
forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build
up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really
want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus
using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and
get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan
than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, lets run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be
attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically
be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor
store and stock up. Go to favourite place of beer drinking and begin the
consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all
day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have
accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11).
Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite
has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal
due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This
is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories
for the day, and you still dont feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This
is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully
implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played
every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major
League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should
be paced to cover the entire day-you dont want to peak too soon. Again
you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Dont
forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested,
and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for
the upcoming weekend.
Happy dieting.

"My wife is
a light eater. As soon as it gets light, she starts to eat."

~ Henny Youngman

Only in America…
…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Most diets fail
because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those
us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat
Diet! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of
table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The
Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as
a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and youll find that you not
only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what
constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any
flavour as long as it cost more than seventy-five cents per can. Eat one
bite of food then look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the
floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other
room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw
it back up on the most expensive carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost
dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouses
or partners plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator.
Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half
on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you
opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up the leftover chicken from the sofa.
Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on
the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought
as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over.
Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into
the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead.
Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat
food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen
to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step
into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouses
or partners cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on
the nearest polished aluminium appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house.
Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is
seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else
to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream
or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the
bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: Eat six bugs, assorted varieties, being sure
to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor.
Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouses
or partners pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last nights chicken-to-go
leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin
across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food.
Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in
Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get
hard.