Old Jokes | New Jokes

My appetite is
my shepherd, I always want.

It maketh me to sit down and stuff myself.

It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly,

Sometimes during the night.

It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.

It destroyeth my shape.

Yea, though I knoweth I gain I will not stop eating,

For the food tasteth so good.

The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.

When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.

For I knoweth that I soon shall dig in.

As I filleth my plate continuously,

My clothes runneth smaller.

Surely bulges and flabbiness shall follow me

All the days of my life.

And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

Lets eat!

"I never worry
about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats
in a diamond."

~ Mae West

This is a specially
formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds
up during the day:
BREAKFAST

1 grapefruit

1 slice whole wheat toast

1 cup skim milk
LUNCH

Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a

cup of spinach

1 cup herbal tea

1 chocolate biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA

The rest of the chocolate biscuits in the packet

1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with Choc-ice topping

1 jar nutella
DINNER

4 bottles of red wine

2 loaves garlic bread

1 family size supreme pizza
LATE NIGHT SNACK

Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten

directly from freezer)

In the beginning,
God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green
and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the
roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil to change channels.

And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "Youre running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre
into crisps and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.And
Man clutched his remote control and ate the crisps swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Top Ten
Reasons Why Diets Are Better Than Sex
10. You dont have to take off your clothes.

9. You can go from diet to diet without feeling guilty.

8. Celery is ALWAYS hard.

7. On a deit, you carefully consider everything you put in your mouth.

6. Its GOOD if a diet is over quickly.

5. Dieting doesnt make you pregnant.

4. You can doze off in the middle if you want to.

3. Its okay if your dog watches.

2. You can do it with your best friends husband.
And the number one reason why dieting is better than sex….
1. You dont have to worry if it was good for the cottage cheese too.

Ive developed
halitosis

My urine is rank and yellow

Yet Im a happy fellow

In the midst of Ketosis
Salmon and steaks,

Deviled eggs and cheese

Make no mistake:

Atkins is a breeze
The pounds drop away

A few each energetic day

Will it be the Boston Marathon

Or the New York ballet?
Food is a joy, not a sin

And Im down to one chin

I feel eighteen again

No pain, yet I dont gain
Thanks Dr. Atkins for protein,

And making me lean

Once a major carb freak,

Now Im getting sleek
I ate candy and drank sugar pop

But you made me stop

All those other diets are a crock

And Im in your debt, Doc
I know this is bad verse

But I feel like Mr. Universe

And I had to tell somebody

About my new body.

"Im prescribing
these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient,
who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I dont want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor
twice a day and pick them up, one at a time…."

An elderly couple
were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of
heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean-side appartment, over
there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you
need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout
the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked
off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadnt heard about
all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"