Old Jokes | New Jokes

It seems that a
lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate
to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked
through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid
dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is
almost all water, and the part that isnt water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake
of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically
safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that
equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable
goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes
the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout
regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking
(very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when
you arent necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any
problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories
on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional
"How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for
lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak
out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your
heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you
will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven
to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything
you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you
have consumed at least half of the days required beers. This way the
food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again
exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl"
stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other
forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build
up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really
want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus
using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and
get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan
than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, lets run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be
attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically
be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor
store and stock up. Go to favourite place of beer drinking and begin the
consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all
day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have
accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11).
Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite
has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal
due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This
is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories
for the day, and you still dont feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This
is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully
implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played
every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major
League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should
be paced to cover the entire day-you dont want to peak too soon. Again
you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Dont
forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested,
and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for
the upcoming weekend.
Happy dieting.

"My wife is
a light eater. As soon as it gets light, she starts to eat."

~ Henny Youngman

Most diets fail
because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those
us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat
Diet! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of
table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The
Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as
a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and youll find that you not
only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what
constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any
flavour as long as it cost more than seventy-five cents per can. Eat one
bite of food then look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the
floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other
room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw
it back up on the most expensive carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost
dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouses
or partners plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator.
Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half
on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you
opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up the leftover chicken from the sofa.
Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on
the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought
as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over.
Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into
the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead.
Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat
food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen
to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step
into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouses
or partners cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on
the nearest polished aluminium appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house.
Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is
seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else
to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream
or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the
bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: Eat six bugs, assorted varieties, being sure
to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor.
Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouses
or partners pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last nights chicken-to-go
leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin
across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food.
Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in
Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get
hard.

A man returns from
Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and
the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. Weve had the results back from your tests
and weve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely
contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do,
doctor?"

"Well were going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pitta
bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but…its the only food we can get
under the door."

This 85 year old
couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest
in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and
Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much
all this was going to cost.
"Its free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses
on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peters reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Dont you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the
old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "Thats the best part…you can eat as much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.This
is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault!
If it werent for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"

Heres the final
word on nutrition and health. Its a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you.

Forget Atkins!
Forget South Beach!
The Baghdad Diet is the only plan out there that has real results and
it’s so easy. You only need to spend 6 months in coalition custody
– no kidding that is it!

The Secret – three squares a day and no snacking. Coalition forces
will feed you three well balanced meals a day and they will make sure
that you don’t snack.
Simply Call Coalition Forces at 1-800-BAGHDAD.
Don’t wait to call - youre only robbing yourself of an opportunity
of a life time.

No diet will remove
all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without
a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.

~George Bernard Shaw

Im fat, but Im
thin inside. Has it ever struck you that theres a thin man inside every
fat man, just as they say theres a statue inside every block of stone?

~ George Orwell