Old Jokes | New Jokes

Now I lay me down
to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my fat to take,

And leave behind a skinny shell,

And all my fat can go to hell!

Q:
What is the difference between a hungry man and a glutton?
A: One longs to eat and the other eats too long.

Self delusion is
pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales.

~ Paul Sweeney

He was
only a chocolate chip cookie…

…but I loved him.
I met him at a party. There he was at the end of the buffet….a loner;
the last one on the plate. He had a certain something…a sweetness, a
sensuality. He was one hot cookie. I felt as if Id always known him…hungered
for him.
When he looked at me with those warm brown eyes, I melted. Before I
knew it, I had my hands on him, my mouth on him…in public. After that
night, we were inseparable. With him I could be myself. He didnt seem
to care what mood I was in, how I looked or even if I gained weight. Together
we had the recipe for happiness. No one satisfied me like Chip.
THEN THINGS CHANGED
My friends said he was no good for me. He started to give me heartburn.
I felt crummy, but it had to end. Now weve gone our separate ways. I
hardly think of him anymore. Oh, if I see a certain TV commercial, a particular
magazine ad, a coupon for money off…that old longing returns. And when
we run into each other in the supermarket, we nod. Were friendly.But
its OVER!

Every womans Mr. Right?
Download the Diet
Coke spoof movie.( This movie is Mpeg encoded.)

Researchers have
discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain
as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between
the two but cant remember what they are.

~Matt Lauer

During a get-together
at my sons house, he had prepared quite a feast. In spite of the extra

pounds Id gained the previous winter, I forged ahead and loaded my plate.
"Dad !" he said, eyeing my repast, "I thought you were
on a diet."
"I am!" I replied, "But I need all of this to give me
the strength to go on."

The second day
of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day youre off
it.

~ Jackie Gleason

A great way to
lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.
Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.

Monday:
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste
while brushing your teeth.
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers", those
little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents.
Also order French fries, a bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop
on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox.
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner,
dont eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday:
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw.
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in
and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing
it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flashos.

Wednesday:
Breakfast - Jaws couldnt eat Breakfast after a night at El Flashos.

Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.

Thursday:
Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for
leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask
the bartender for olives.

Friday:
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the
Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and its better for
you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch… Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Dont eat the
asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday:
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat
the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday
Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting
your old room.