An overweight business
associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took
his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite
bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic chocolate
cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I
accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window
was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, Lord,
if you want me to have one of those delicious chocolate cakes, let me
have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,"
he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
Archive for the ‘Diet / Weight Loss’ Category
1. When you swallow
a diet coke you only get 1 calorie.
2. It comes in a can, not in your mouth.
3. You can ignore a diet coke for weeks and it will still be there when
you want it.
4. The first one wont get mad if you need another one tonight.
5. A diet coke generally lasts longer.
6. You can throw it in the bin when youre done.
7. A diet coke will treat you the same in the morning as the night before.
8. You can pick one up at a supermarket without your friends talking about
you.
9. You can do one in the car even while driving.
10. The aftertaste is certainly better.
11. You can get a bigger size without changing brands.
12. You never have to lie to a diet coke.
13. A diet soda will wait home patiently when you go out with friends
and still refresh you when you get home at 6AM.
14. You can have a headache and still enjoy it.
Cookies and milk
out; eggs, beef, chicken, cheese in
North Pole Santa Claus announced today in his annual pre-holiday press
conference that he has begun the popular Atkins diet, and is asking for
help from families around the globe. Atkins dieters are allowed to consume
large amounts of high-fat foods such as eggs, beef, and cheese. Carbohydrates,
which are found in pasta, breads, and fruits, and sweets, are not allowed.
Mr. Claus said that he decided to start the diet after he could not fit
into the trousers he wore to deliver gifts last year.
"I couldnt bring myself to buy new trousers, and I havent had
a good body image lately. I had to do something, and quick", said
Claus. "Having a belly like a bowl full of jelly is one thing, but
being a complete fat ass is another. I mean, even my jolly little toe
has fat on it." According to inside sources, Mrs. Claus may have
also played a part in his decision to lose weight.
An elf, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Mrs. Claus "is
getting more and more involved" with day-to-day operations, especially
as Christmas nears. "She pretty much runs the toy factory, and she
is making all the elves work a lot of overtime. Plus, she made us all
sign waivers saying we wouldnt sue if we got injured on the job. Now,
Santa suddenly goes on the Atkins diet? I guarantee that is her doing.
Shes a real pain in the ass. Weve all started calling her Yoko".
Santa says that his goal is to lose twenty pounds before he delivers
gifts on Christmas Eve, leaving him plump, but not grossly obese. And,
says Claus, he needs everyones help to stick to his diet.
"I am asking the families of the world to leave snacks for me that
are low in carbohydrates. Unfortunately, this means that the traditional
snack of cookies and milk is not acceptable. Good alternatives are scrambled
eggs, cheese, beef, or chicken."
Experts agree that a thinner Claus may be a healthier Claus, but think
that the new snack requests may spoil some of the fun and tradition of
Christmas.
"I think its great that Santa wants to lose a few pounds",
says holiday expert Michelle Bosler. "But a great Christmas traditions
is being altered. Leaving cookies and milk for Santa Claus dates back
hundreds of years. I dont think families will enjoy scrambling eggs or
broiling a T-bone for Santa quite as much. And these low carbohydrate
snacks are much more expensive than a couple of store bought cookies."
Despite the criticism, Claus vows to stick to his Atkins diet. "Im
going to do this. Ive tried other diets, and I just cant stick to them.
I mean, have you ever had a SlimFast shake? Tastes like liquefied wood."
North Pole spokesperson Sandy Ashton said that if families are uncomfortable
leaving eggs or meat as a snack, they could opt to leave no snack at all.
"Wed rather Santa not have a snack than eat foods that are high
in carbohydrates. For families who dont wish to leave a low-carb snack,
we ask that they leave a note of encouragement for Santa, or some bourbon,
which is a low-carbohydrate beverage. Dieting is difficult, and he needs
support if he is going to succeed."
The doctor told
me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should
do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily
program I can do anywhere:
Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.
Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.
Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Whew! What a workout!
"Now there
are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight
people are now average. Which means youve met your New Years resolution."
~ Jay Leno
The loud repercussions
of diet discussions
Can set you to groaning aloud
By raising the issue
of adipose tissue
With which you feel over endowed.
You determine to lose,
but which method to use?
Theyre all couched in such intricate terms
That you long to get hold
of those wise men of old
Who sponsored the Diet of Worms.
The Government
has issued new guidelines for a healthy diet. They advise you to:
1. List your ten favourite foods.
2. List your five favourite drinks.
3. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or
little trees.
4. List water.
5. Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.
Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
black coffee
1 piece dry toast
1 sm. glass skim milk
Lunch
1 lettuce leaf
2 tomato slices
2 oz. broiled chicken
4 carrot sticks
1 whole wheat roll with 1 tsp reduced-calorie butter
1 cup red jello
Dinner
1/2 cup salad
1 tsp low fat Italian dressing
4 oz. hamburger patty
2 1/2 slices canned pear
1/4 cup cottage cheese
slice wheat bread
also–8 glasses of water
What You Really Eat
8 a.m. Breakfast
You skip breakfast. Youre not hungry, and this gives you an extra 100
calories for the day.
10 a.m.
You decide to have that black coffee as you see the doughnuts being brought
into the office. You drink your first glass of water, proudly resisting
the doughnuts.
11 a.m.
You are hungry and have a hard time concentrating on your work. You look
forward to lunch.
12 p.m. Lunch
You hungrily eat everything on your diet, including the jello, which you
have hated since you were a child because of that time when you got your
tonsils taken out and they gave you jello at every meal.
1 p.m.
You drink your second glass of water for the day.
1:30 p.m.
You drink your 3rd and 4th glass of water for the day.
2 p.m.
You drink your 5th and 6th glass of water for the day. You marvel at how
a person can be hungry and nauseous at the same time. Your co-worker has
popcorn at her desk and you smell it but are too sick to even want any.
She offers you some and you decline, telling her how little youve eaten
today and how the smell of the popcorn doesnt even tempt you. She is
impressed.
3 p.m.
You are hungry. You know that another co-worker has chocolate on her desk
and there is an open invitation to take some. You do, after all, have
an extra 100 calories for the day. You restrict yourself to one piece
of candy, proud of your willpower. You are still 50 calories ahead.
3:30 p.m.
You are still hungry. Your mind wanders. You remember the Tic Tacs in
your desk — only 2 calories apiece. You eat two. 46 calories left.
3:45 p.m.
You eat two more Tic Tacs. 42 calories left.
4 p.m.
You eat the rest of the pack of Tic Tacs. You are in the negative, but
optimistic. Youll skip the pear at dinner.
5 p.m.
You are famished. You drink the last 2 glasses of water to get you through
to dinnertime.
5:30 p.m.
You arrive home. A bag of crisps is blocking the way to the pasta that
you will be using to make the family dinner. After thinking twice about
it you rip open the package and eat one crisp.
5:35
You eat one more crisp.
6:30 p.m.
You eat the rest of the package of crisps, 6 tablespoons of pasta as you
cook it, and then have a big tub of Haagen Daz. You tell the family that
you are doing too well on your diet to ruin it with dinner. They are impressed.
A friend and I
had joined a Weight Watchers group. At the first meeting the lecturer
asked members which food or department at the supermarket was the most
tempting to them. One man confessed that Chinese egg rolls were his greatest
weakness, and a woman said she found it almost impossible to resist anything
chocolate. Finally it was my friends turn. Taking a deep breath, she
announced, "Aisles two, three, four and five."