Two nuns are riding on a motorcycle.
The one in back says to the driver, Sister Mary Ellen, have you ever come this way before?
The one in front replies: No! It must be the cobblestones!
and then there was…
Two nuns where in the shower.
One says Wheres the soap?
The second says Yes it does doesnt it
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
Hed toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughters date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, Thats wonderful. Isnt he smart? What do you think hes going to be when he grows older?!
The father replies From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery.
After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.â€
The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately!
There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldnt quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day,
like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you cant possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow –
quietly but miraculously — they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while youre asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done
A young doctor had been treating his patient for diabetes for quite some time, using alternative methods, with excellent results.
His nurse, however, believed that the patient should be on insulin.
As a result, the patient had a few doubts and decided to ask him about it. She did so in the following manner: Doctor, If I were your mother, would I be on insulin now?
To which he replied, Absolutely not! Then, after a short pause, he added, She doesnt believe in doctors!
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.
When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the hippie, if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.
The hippie of course says that hed love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder, said the bus driver(male), you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun and right on schedule the nun shows up. When shes in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, Ha ha, Im the hippie!!
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, Ha ha, Im the bus driver!!!
A man goes to a shrink and says, Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larrys bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! Im going crazy. What do you think I should do? Relax, says the Doctor, take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larrys bar?
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands performances as lovers. The first woman says My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.
The second woman says, My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.
The third woman just shakes her head and says, My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great its going to be when I get it.
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. Its $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. Its $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. Its $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but its from a laywer. Its never been used."
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat.
But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!