Old Jokes | New Jokes

How can I ever thank you? gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

My dear woman, Darrow replied, ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.

A womans garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes wont ripen. Theres a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and shes getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?

Her neighbor replies,Well, it may sound absurd but heres what to do. Tonight theres no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and theyll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning theyll all be red, youll see.

She says Well, what the heck it cant hurt to try it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

So-so, she answers. The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.

You cant be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa.

Always do sober what you said youd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemingway.

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. - Winston Churchill.

He was a wise man who invented beer. - Plato.

Time is never wasted when youre wasted all the time. - Catherine Zondonella.

A woman drove me to drink and I didnt even have the decency to thank her. - W. C. Fields.

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it. - Churchills reply.
Sir, youre drunk! - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
Yes madam, and youre ugly. But in the morning I will be sober. - Churchills reply.

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. - David Daye.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. - Benjamin Franklin.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart.

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton.

People who drink light beer dont like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot. - Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser Wilhelm.

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. - Homer Simpson.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Unknown

I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan.

They who drink beer will think beer. - Washington Irving.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. - Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.

Youre not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin.

All right, brain, I dont like you and you dont like me - so lets just do this and Ill get back to killing you with beer. - Homer Simpson.

A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked, The minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, Id rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips.

The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, I didnt know there was a choice.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, Ive farted at least 20 times since Ive been here in your office. You didnt know I was farting because they dont smell and are silent."The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I dont know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts — although still silent — stink terribly."The doctor says, "Good! Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing…."

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
Farmer Bill Dies in House.
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out.
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands.
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms.
Eye Drops off Shelf.
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim.
Shot Off Womans Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66.
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax.
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
Stolen Painting Found by Tree.
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies.
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years.
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One.
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000.
84 War Dims Hope for Peace.
If Strike isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.
Deer Kill 17,000.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply.
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood.
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees.
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies.
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing.
Air Head Fired.
Steals Clock, Faces Time.
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff.
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board.
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction.
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies.

Crack Found on Governors Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head, Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield, (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

The Boy Who Wanted to Be a Truck Driver

One day, a little boy goes into the candy shop and orders five pounds of m-n-ms,.

The lady at the counter asked him Dont you mean five bags?

He said No, i want five pounds.

She was reluctant, but measured them out, put them in a bag and handed them to the little boy. He paid for them, and went outside and sat on the curb.

He ate a few m-n-ms, and a cat walks by.

He picks up the cat and takes a big bite out of it.

He moves a little further down the curb, and does it all over again.

After the little boy did this about 15-20 times, the lady in the candy store starts to wonder.

She goes outside and asks the little boy What in the hell are you doing?

The little boy gives her this answer I am learning how to be a truck driver like my daddy. Im popping pills, eating pussy, and moving down the line.

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign and they proposed Hysterias and Posteriors.

The Doctors didnt find it acceptable, and suggested Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

The town didnt like that either and countered with Catatonics and High Colonics.

Thumbs down again, by now the story was in the papers and suggestions began rolling in:

Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.
Minds and Behinds
Lost Souls and Ass-holes
Analysis and Anal Cysts
Queers and Rears
Nuts and Butts
Freaks and Cheeks
Loons and Moons

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on Dr Smith & Dr Jones, Odds & Ends

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington.

How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: You wanted to end the Americans liberty, so they gave you death! Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense! He drops a large weight on Osamas knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, This is not what I was promised!

An angel replies: I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?