Old Jokes | New Jokes

In Prison:
You spend your time in an 8 x 10 cell

At Work:
You spend your time in an 6 x 8 cubicle

In Prison:
You get three free meals a day

At Work:
You get one break for a meal you pay for

In Prison:
A guard locks and unlocks all doors for you

At Work:
You carry a security card, you unlock the doors

In Prison:
You get to watch TV and play games

At Work:
You get fired for watching TV and playing games

In Prison:
You get your own toilet

At Work:
You have to share

In Prison:
Family and friends are allowed to visit

At Work:
Youre not allowed to speak to family or friends

In Prison:
Expenses are paid by taxpayers and work is not required

At Work:
You pay to go to work and you get to deduct expenses
on your taxes to pay for prisoners

In Prison:
You look through the bars, hoping to get out

At Work:
You want to get out so you can go inside the bars

In Prison:
The wardens who are often called sadistic

At Work:
The wardens are called managers

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. Doctor, he said sadly, Im afraid Im going to have to ask you to cut off my dogs tail. The vet stepped back, Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing? Because my mother-in-laws arriving tomorrow, and I dont want anything to make her think shes welcome.

So this isnt Home Sweet Home … Adjust!

Martha Stewart doesnt live here!!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please dont date it!

I would cook dinner but I cant find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you dont like my standards of cooking …lower your
standards.

Although youll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.

It doesnt always look like this: Some days its even
worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen … just vending
machines.

Id live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.

[ I heard this from my girlfriends Austrian grandmother -
it may lose something without the heavy accent, dahlink. ]

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint
the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and
gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught
about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts
on a large overcoat so as to cover the frozen seat, and they go. When
they get to the doctors, the man lifts his wifes coat to show their
predicament. The man asks, Doctor, have you ever seen anything like
this before? Well, yes, the doctor replies, but never framed.

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

What do they say?, the priest asked.

They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible, the priest exclaimed, But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

Thank you. said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,

Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.

In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age.

Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing.

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

This recessions really putting a big dent in my income, he told them. From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

Look, he said, I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?

Only a quarter? the drum leader exclaimed. If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts!

No way, dude. We quit!

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear.

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.

The brunette goes first.

I think Im the smartest woman on earth.

POOF! She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.p>I think Im the prettiest woman on earth.

POOF! She disappears.

The blonde goes up.

I think–

POOF!

A man was going to the dentist to get some teeth pulled. The dentist was about to give the man some local anesthesia to numb the pain.

Dont give me any drugs doc, I can take the pain. the man said.

The doctor pulled the first tooth out and the man just grunted. Then the doctor attempted to pull the second tooth, only this one snapped in half. But again the man just grunted. Wow, that sure is a lot of pain just to grunt at, have you ever felt pain like that before? asked the amazed dentist.

Well, twice actually. said the man, The first time was when I was out in the woods and had to take a crap really bad. I pulled down my pants and jumped over this log. Just then a bear trap closed on my balls and I started running….

Damn that must have hurt. the dentist interrupted. What was the second time?

Oh, that would have been when the bear trap came to the end of its chain.

An elderly woman went into the doctors office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, Id like to have some birth control pills.

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, Excuse me, Mrs. Santos, but youre 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?

The woman responded, They help me sleep better.

The doctor thought some more and continued, How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?

The woman said, I put them in my granddaughters orange juice and I sleep better at night.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, Ive farted at least 20 times since Ive been here in your office. You didnt know I was farting because they dont smell and are silent.

The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back. Doctor, she says, I dont know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts … although still silent … stink terribly.

The doctor says, Good!!! Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing.