These are actual excuses given by parents of school children:
Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Excuse Helen. She has been under the Doctor.
John was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
Please excuse Patricia from jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Alice for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Vera. She is having problems with her ovals.
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor: Dactor, its me ahrse. Id loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. Incredible. he says, There is a $20 note lodged up here.
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the mans bottom, and then a $10 note appears.
This is amazing exclaims the Doctor What do you want me to do?
Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man suggests the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc …
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dats moch batter, how moch is dare den?
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. $1990 exactly.
Ah, datd be roit. I knew I wasnt feeling two grand
This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face:
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimers disease.
Guy: Thank god. I was afraid I had cancer!
Patient to the doctor, Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I cannot
remember anything!
The doctor replies, So, since when did you have this problem?
What problem?