Old Jokes | New Jokes

1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an unauthorized experimental procedure
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of War and Peace
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. Take two leeches and call me in the morning
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrows doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15. Pre-natal vitamin prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctors office include, take a left when you enter the trailer park
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is an apple a day.
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only group gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say Walk it off, you sissy.
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.

Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.

He quickly answered, Oh that? The dogs leash goes slack!

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: The parrot on the left costs $500.

Why does the parrot cost so much?

asks the customer. The owner says Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, What can it do?

To which the owner replies, To be honest, Ive never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts arent just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

And the number one thing women understand…

1. Other women!

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things. Well, the doctor replied, go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesnt reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that well get an idea about the severity of her deafness.

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, Honey, whats for dinner? He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, Honey, whats for dinner? She replies, For the fourth time, vegetable stew!

Big Daddys Rap - The Lords Prayer

Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, - Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin - Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood - Thy Kingdom come

You be sayin it, I be doin it - Thy will be done

In this here hood and yos - On earth as it is in heaven

Gimme some eats - Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood - And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me - As we forgive those who trespass against us

Dont be pushing me into no jive - And lead us not into temptation

and keep dem Crips away - But deliver us from evil

Cause you always be da Man - For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.

aiight

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. Well, the patient said, I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon shed take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then shed sit on it and have a ball.

She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.

And then? said the doctor. Aw hell, the patient explained.

Thats when she tried to kick it under the stove.

A little boy comes to his Mom one day and asks her, Why does Daddy eat light bulbs?

The mother laughs and says, What makes you think that your father eats light bulbs?

The boy replies, The other night when you didnt know I was listening, I heard Daddy say to you, Turn out the light Honey, and Ill eat it!

Doctor: “I’m sorry to say that the check you gave me has bounced back.”

Banta: “It is right doctor, so has my fever.”

Doctor, the patient demanded, you have a lot of nerver charing me three hundred fithy dollars just to paint my throat.

What did you want for three hundred fifty dollars? Wallpaper?