Old Jokes | New Jokes

A man from Idaho goes to New York City, on business, for the first time. After checking in to the hotel he goes down to the bar to have a drink. He orders a rum and coke. The bartender gives it to him and says, That will be eight dollars.

He give the bartender the money and says, Man, everything is so expensive here in New York!

The bartender replies, It cant be that much more than where you live.

The man replies, Oh yes, it is! Why do you know that, in my home town, you can go out drinking all night for nothing! And if you feel youve had too much to drink. You can check into the finest hotel and spend the night for nothing! And not only that, when you wake up there is a twenty dollar bill on the pillow next to you!

The incredulous bartender says, I find that very hard to believe. Has that ever really happened to you?

The guy replies, Well no, not exactly…but it happens to my wife all the time!

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. Doctor, the hormones youve been giving me have really helped, but Im afraid that youre giving me too much. Ive started growing hair in places that Ive never grown hair before. The doctor reassured her, A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared? On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…, replied the lady.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs dont have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when youre gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when theyve done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when theyre jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. Dogs understand the word no.

10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

I havent sold one tractor all month, a tractor salesman tells his friend.

Thats nothing compared to my problem, his buddy replies. I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and Ill tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, Ill buy a tractor off ya.

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery.

After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately!

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.

Hi is Tony home?

No he went to the store.

Well, you mind if I wait?

No come in.

They sit down and the friend says You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. Id give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.

Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks.

She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. Ill give you another 100 bucks if I could
just see the both of them together.

Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.

Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he cant wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home
and his wife says You know your weird friend Chris came over.

Tony thinks about this for a second and says Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

Is it a boy or girl Gorilla? the service guy asks.

Boy, is the mans response.

Oh yeah, I can do it. Ill be right there, says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: Now, Im going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorillas testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.

The man asks, What do I do with the shotgun?

The service guy replies, If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.

Your wife makes a delicious roast, The chief said.

Thanks, his friend said. Im gonna miss her.

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, You arent so good in bed either! and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?

I was in bed.

What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?

Getting a second opinion.

Pretty funny if you think about it…

What the Doctor saysWhat the Doctor REALLY means
This should be taken care of right away.Id planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
Well see.First I have to check my malpractice insurance.
Let me check your medical history.I want to see if youve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
Why dont we make another appointment later in the week.Im playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
I really cant recommend seeing a chiropractor.I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.