An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. Well he explained By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen. On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself Ill go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. Well he explained By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen. On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself Ill go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. Well he explained, by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying –
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….
Archive for the ‘Ethnic’ Category
Avoid models that stall during use.
Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.
Avoid completely blocking the air intake.
Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.
Keep locked in the garage when not in use.
Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.
Check for pulling attachments.
Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.
If necessary, fit an alarm.
See if the coil needs replacing.
Take it for a good thrash around
Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?
Watch out for nasty emissions.
Keep all leather accessories in order.
If necessary, fit a silencer.
Or use the choke and throttle properly.
For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.
Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.
Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.
NEVER let your friends have a go.
Never make the mistake of thinking that if you traded in your current model you could get one like they have in specialist magazines.
Avoid taking it to the pub if youre drinking.
Long rides may be tiring, do not feel ashamed to stop, in the middle of it and fall asleep.
It is preferable to get an automatic as this means less time with your stick it your hand.
With a manual: to avoid unpleasant noises coming from it, avoid putting your stick into its reverse position whilst in motion.
It is useful to have more than one for different purposes.
German models tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent, brief usage.
Italian models are very responsive but change hands often (high mileage) and often make worrying noises.
American models tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.
Attractive British models are hard to find and expensive to maintain.
Swedish models are usually very versatile.
Japanese models are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.
French models are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.
Avoid models that are a tight fit for you; equally, stay away from those with very much more room space than needed.
Stay well clear of people carriers.
Executive models are hard to get going but once speed builds they dont take kindly to stopping stop.
Be wary of fast models as they will probably have high mileage and excessive amounts of wear in places.
The interior of ones which have been previously owned by old people will have a smell you will never get rid of.
It is unwise to take your fathers/big brothers/mates out without permission.
Do not get too attached to ones you have to rent.
It is NEVER advisable to own a wide load model.
Replace every year with a newer model.
Marthas way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Petes sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Marthas way #2: Use a meat baster to squeeze your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and youll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Marthas way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Marthas way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, arent you going to take the shells off anyway?
Marthas way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
Marthas way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chilis every night and avoid cooking.
Marthas way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there wont be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there wont be any leftovers.
Marthas way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there wont be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. Theyll even decorate it for you.
Marthas way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while its still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix me up
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, thats too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I dont care how bad it tastes.
Marthas way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Marthas way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before yields a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I dont do it.
Marthas way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My way: Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?
Marthas way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corns natural sweetness.
My way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
Marthas way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook with, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasnt fresh.
Marthas way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you cant rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isnt the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
Marthas way #16: Dont throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?
Marthas way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
Marthas way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
Marthas way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
Paddy, asked the barmaid, what are those two bulges in the front of
your trousers?
Ah, said Paddy. Theyre hand grenades. Next time that queer OFlaherty
comes feeling my balls, Ill blow his bloody fingers off!
An Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.
The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative
venture is taking place, and that he never expected the English to go
to such trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe.
Oh thats nothing, says the Englishman, You should have seen the
trouble we had digging the Channel in the first place!
A young country Irish lad is at the local barn dance. He spies in the
distance, a fine looking young lassie (girl!). After building up as much
courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her would she like to
dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances he looks her straight
in the eye and says, Can I smell your fanny? to which she, not altogether
unsurprisingly replies You certainly can NOT!! He nonchalantly turns to
her and says, Oh, it must be your feet then.
By P. Van Neikerk, in the Globe & Mail Thursday Feb 25th
Johannesburg S.A.
A total of 918 people applied last year to be reclassified from one
racial group to another under South Africas race classification laws…
…Mr. [Stoffel] Botha said one white had become Cape coloured 69 Cape
coloureds had become white, five Malays had become white, three Indians had
become Cape coloureds, two Cape coloureds had become Indian, and one Malay
had become Indian.
In addition, 133 blacks had become Cape coloureds, one black had become
a Griqua and one Cape coloured had become a Malay.
Among the unsuccessful applicants were four Cape coloureds who wanted to
become Chinese, nine Indians who wanted to become Malays and three blacks
who wanted to be other Asians.
Its funny…I just wish it were a joke.
The Jewish civilization is 6000 years old.
The Christian civilization is 2000 years old.
This implies that for 4000 years, the Jews had to persecute themselves.