A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard.
Im lost, said the man, Can you put me up for the night?
Certainly, the Chinese man said, but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.
OK, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldnt keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old mans warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldnt hear, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.
Well, thats easy, he thought. If thats the best the old man can do then I dont have much to worry about.
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read: Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.
Archive for the ‘Ethnic’ Category
A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns "take off." Then he learnes "zebra" from the zoo and "baby" from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, Mommy, I learned new words today. She says, "Great, honey what did you learn?" He says, Takeoffzebrababy!
Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mothers house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her. Dont worry, Maria. Tonys a good man. Go upstairs and hell take care of you.
So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, Mama, Mama, Tonys got a big hairy chest.
Dont worry, Maria, said her mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. Hell take good care of you.
Up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and hes got hairy legs!
Dont worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tonys a good man. Go up stairs and hell take good care of you.
Up she went again.
When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
Mama, Mama, Tonys got a foot and a half!
Stay here and stir the pasta, said her mother.
This is a job for Mama.
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
…
1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage a trois.
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate
with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the
woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the
woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of
feminism. But at least its not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and
setting up a distillery. They dont remember if sex is in the picture,
cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey,
but at least they know the English arent getting any…
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg.The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, Now its my turn to punch you.The Scotsman said, Keep the lousy egg.
An Irishman was dying and his wife was at his bedside.
She says: Pat, youve been a wonderful husband all these years. Is there anything at all that I can do for you before you go.
Pat says: No Mary, nothing at all.
Mary says: Now Pat, isnt there a thing I can do for you.
Pat says: Mary, The priests been here, Ive been shriven. Theres nothing more to do.
Mary persists: Pat, tis forty and more years youve taken such good care of me and the kids. There has to be one more thing I can do for you before you die.
Pat says: Well Mary, is that one of your famous apple pies I smell baking in the oven?
She says: Yes it is, Pat.
He says: Well, if I could have one more piece of your famous apple pie before I go.
She says: The hell with you. Thats for the wake.
Why do Jews watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.