A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, theres a better one. At MacDougals, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, Yeah,thats a nice bar, but where I come from, theres a better one. Over in Brooklyn, theres this place, Vinnys. At Vinnys, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, You think thats great? Where I come from in Dublin, theres this place called Murphys. At Murphys, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!
Wow! say the other two. Thats fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?
No, replies the Irish guy, but it happened to me sister!
Archive for the ‘Ethnic’ Category
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, Wedding cake.
Have you heard about the new Jewish car?
Not only does it stop on a dime, it picks it up.
An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?
The big guy replies, Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. Im 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks.
The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and hes an ex-All Black lock.
Next to him is a bloke whos 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and hes a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?
The first bloke says, Nah, not if Im going to have to explain it three times.
The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.
Time Limit: 3 Days.
Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).
1. What language is spoken in Germany?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in Americas far NORTH called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) NORTHerners
9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
_______________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Wall Mart
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einsteins Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.
16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) Minnnesota
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin
18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.