Old Jokes | New Jokes

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.

One of the psychiatrist asks, What are you doing? She replies, Im studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society. Wow, thats wonderful.

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, What are you doing? Im studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out.

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The psychiatrist exclaimed, My God what are you doing?

The man replied, Im fucking nuts and Im never getting out of here!

There was a country boy who comes down to town and stays too long in the pub, ending up pissed as a rat. On leaving he walks down the road and bumps in to a nun who was standing outside her church.

The boy turns on the nun throwing her to the ground and flailing at her with both hands kicking and wrestling with her. The patrons of the pub hear the fight and come running outside and drag him off the Nun.

As he is being taken away he yells out, Shit! I thought you would be tougher than that, Batman!

A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location( A very rich area - Expected around $200,000 in cash daily ). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, Where is my money. The man replied that he didnt know and said that he would find him.

The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Bigs office. Mr. Big said, Where the fuck is my money? . The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said, What the fuck is this?

The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.

Mr. Big said, Do you know how to read sign language?

The man said, No, but Ill find someone who can. .

He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same.

Well, says Mr. Big, What did he say?

She says he said, Fuck You! .

Mr. Big replied, Youd better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you.

The girl asks him again, Where is the money and the man again replied in sign language.

What did he say this time? , asked Mr. Big.

He said Fuck You, again .

With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, If he doesnt tell me where my money is, Ill cut off his head and throw him in the river!.

She told this to the man and this time he answered, Its under the front seat of my car, again in sign language.

Well , asked Mr. Big, What did he say this time? .

She replied He said Fuck You! .

Q. Why are Australians like kiwifruit?

A. Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside….. and too many of them will give you the shits!

How do you know a blondes been at your computer? The joysticks wet.

How else do you know a blondes been at your computer? Theres white out on the screen.

How do you know shes been back? Theres writing on the white out.

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common? Once theyre on their backs, theyre fucked!…but at least the turtle tries to get back up!

Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist?

A: They both fuck up bowings! (Boeings - get it?).

221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do…

222. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.

223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said DISNEYLAND LEFT. After thinking for a minute, she said to herself oh well ! and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES. By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.

225. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, Awww, look at the dead birdie. The blonde stops, looks up, and says, Where?

226. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, Good thing I had my mouth open, or that wouldve hit me right in the face!!! Or: Good thing that cows dont fly.

227. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/shed been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad cause all the people were leaving.

228. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. Miss, may I see your drivers licence please?

Drivers licence? Whats that?… Its a little card with your picture on it.

Oh, duh! Here it is… May I have your car insurance?

Whats that?… Its a document that says you are allowed to drive the car.

Oh this? Duh! Here you go… The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!

229. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to iron, then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

230. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: Thats nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother,she said, Why dont you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something.

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned.

Martin replied - Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesnt fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up.

Martins mother said, Wait until your father gets home.

When Martins father got home, Martins mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, Martin, go outside and get me a switch.

Martin replied, Get fucked. Thats the electricians job.

How do you know if youre in love, in lust, or really married?



LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.



LOVE - When intercourse is called making love.

LUST - When intercourse is called screwing.

MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?



LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.

LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.

MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.



LOVE - When you share everything you own.

LUST - When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.



LOVE - When it doesnt matter if you dont climax.

LUST - When the relationship is over if you dont climax.

MARRIAGE - Whats a climax?



LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, Hi.

LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.

MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.



LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.



LOVE - When you show concern for your partners feelings.

LUST - When you couldnt give a shit.

MARRIAGE - When your only concern is whats on TV.



LOVE - When your farewell is I love you, darling…

LUST - When your farewell is So, same time next week…

MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.



LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST - When you only see each other naked.

MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.



LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.

LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.

MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.



LOVE - When nobody else matters.

LUST - When nobody else knows.

MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you dont care who knows.



LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.

MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.



LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.

LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.

MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.



LOVE - When youre only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST - When youre only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE - When youre only interested in your golf score.

A junkyard owner went to the pound to get a dog to keep the (ethnics) from stealing all his hubcaps.

He saw a German Shepherd he liked, but the man said he had something better.

He saw a huge doberman which had to be the one, but the man said he had something better.

Then he saw a 200 pound, fat-as-shit pit bull laying in a corner cage.

The dog was a gross, drooling mess and was licking his balls.

The man said, this is about the laziest and grossest animal I have ever seen? How can he possibly solve my (ethnic) problem?

The dog owner said Sir, this dog just ate an adult (ethnic) whole!

Holy shit! Well, why is he licking his balls?

To get the taste out of his mouth.