Old Jokes | New Jokes

New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.

Preparation
Friday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love.
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard nights dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, Any chance of na nookie?
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, Awaity f*** ya bam.

Foreplay
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, Here we go, here we go, here we go. Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

Initial problems
After 12 pints, sometimes the mans Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the mans self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, Ya useless bastard, or possibly, It never happens tae ra milkman.

Fellatio
Oral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon this?
The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. Go on yersel, she says, list dinnae disturb me.

Down to business
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, F*** me, Ive shot ma load.
If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing her shes the nicest woman hes ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, Shite, arsehole.
The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, Are you sure its in?
Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsmans ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.
Eventually its all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
Theres no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.
So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat me.
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, Mary with the Cherry.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffys.

A grade school teacher comes into class one morning to find a litany of dirty words written all over the blackboard. She is very upset and tells the class to close its eyes and count to thirty. During that time, she says, the person who did it should erase the words. The class and the teacher close their eyes, and, after the time is up, open them. The board is indeed erased, except for a small note in the bottom of the board.



Fuck you, teacher. The phantom strikes again!

One day there were three men walking down the street. One was black, one was French, and one was Polish.

As they walked by a farm, a farmer stopped them and asked if theyd like to take a test to win his daughters hand. Being game, they all said, Why the hell not?

Good, the farmer said. He then explained to them that they would have to jump over a fence (electric), get through some mud (quick-sand), and fuck his cow.

The black man went first. He only got as far as the fence, but he got a permanent set of Dred-Locks!

Next, the French man went. He just barely jumped the fence when he sloshed right into the quicksand. He screamed, Help! Help, mes amis! The farmer quickly stuck his foot on the poor Frogs head.

Finally it was the Polacks turn. He jumped the fence with ease, got through the quicksand with the help of the Frogs slightly liquified head, and then proceeded to screw the cow.

The farmer, being amazed at all this, decided hed give the guy some land along with his daughter.

So, the farmer said, are you ready to marry my 19-year-old daughter and get some of my farm?

Well, sir, the Polack nervously replied, Id love to take the land, but could I please keep the cow?

Jack, a New York stock broker, decides to chuck it all and buy a
ranch. He finds a big place in Montana, far away from everything, and
moves in.

After a few weeks of blissful solitude, Jack is sitting on his
front porch, and he sees a pickup truck driving up his road.

A cowboy sort gets out of the truck and introduces himself, Hey
there, my names Tom, and I came to welcome you to our neck of the world.
I live about 20 miles from here, so I guess Im your nearest neighbor.

Jack shakes the proffered hand and says, Thanks for the welcome,
I sure have enjoyed my stay so far.

Tom leans against the railing and says, You know, Im having a
party at my place tomorrow night, if youd like to come, we could sorta
turn it into a welcome party for you..

Jack smiles, Id like that.

Tom looks thoughtful, I ought to warn you though, round these
parts we do some serious fucking and sucking at our parties.

Jack grins wide, Even better! What should I wear?

Tom shrugs, Well, itll pretty much be you and me, so I guess
you can wear whatever you want…

(you can thank my dad for this one)

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.

Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is traveling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.

Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.

So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of shit, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.

He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

What..What is going on? Stammers the poor pommie.

The huge Aussie responds Get the hell out of the Laidies you dirty bastard.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf., says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf., says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf., taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…

Will you fuck off, Im trying to take a shit!

I work in a court reporting office; in addition to my normal computer-related
duties, I also proofread deposition transcripts during busy times.

Ive built up a pretty long list of humorous things that occasionally occur;
unintentional (or intentional) double-entendres, witnesses (and lawyers) not
paying attention to what theyre really saying, and so forth.

Here are some of the better ones that I (and some others in the office) have
run across.

*** Names have been changed to protect all parties. ***

Q I hate to be nosy, but how old are you?
A Forty-three. Thats okay. Youre nosy
enough. You might as well put that in.

* * * * * * * *

Q Did she appear to be in any pain? In
other words, just looking at her, did she look like
she was hurting?
A Shes so ugly it looks like she hurts
all the time.

* * * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: I object to that as being a
question impossible to answer; outside this
persons expertise; and I dont know what it
means.

* * * * * * * *

DEF ATT: I object to that as being an
improper question and this man cannot answer
the question.
PLTF ATT: Go sit on it.

* * * * * * * *

Q What happened in that accident?
A I was going around the corner and it was
wet and rainy outside, and I kind of slid down an
embankment and went into some bushes.
Q Were the police called out to that?
A A state trooper came out. And he gave me
a careless driving ticket because he told me he had
to give me a ticket. I didnt fight it, because it
was my word against the bushes, I guess you could
say.

* * * * * * * *

THE WITNESS: The relevant question here
is–
ATTORNEY 1: Well, why dont you let
her ask a question?
ATTORNEY 2: Let her ask–
THE WITNESS: I thought you did. Okay.
ATTORNEY 3: I thought I did, too.
ATTORNEY 1: Well, I dont know what it is.
ATTORNEY 3: The witness does, and I do.
THE WITNESS: Whats your question?

* * * * * * * *

Q Dr. Smith, how are you–
A Just fine.
Q Pardon?
A Just fine. Im ready to go.
Q Okay. Great. How are you employed?

* * * * * * * *

A Youve got to figure Im a pretty
conservative lady. This is the first concert I had
ever been to.
Q Of any kind?
A Well, I take that back. I went to Jerry
Lee Lewis when I was 16 years old.
Q There was no shooting at that concert,
was there?
A No. A whole lot of shaking going on, but
no shooting.

* * * * * * * *

Q What was your attorneys name?
A It was John Smith, right here in Tampa.
LAWYER 1: Right out the window.
THE WITNESS: Right. So what Im
getting–
LAWYER 2: Let the record be clear that
Mr. Smith is not hanging out the window.
THE WITNESS: I dont know. Knowing
John, he could be.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is that the only license you hold?
A I have a marriage license.
Q Youre not a realtor or a plumber or
anything else like that?
A No. They dont require a license to have
children, which they should.

* * * * * * * *

A Well, I have never heard of anything like
that, but I suppose any help at the time would have
been a help.

* * * * * * * *

Q And the serratus anterior nerve that–
or the nerves that go to it, where do they come
from?
A The neck, the cervical region.
Q From the cervical region?
A Yes.
Q And did you do any examination of his
cervical–of his cervix–to determine if there
was any problem with his nerves going through his
neck?
A He doesnt have a cervix, but, yes, I
examined the biceps.

* * * * * * * *

Q How long have you been married to her?
A Nineteen years.
Q Is that your only marriage?
A Yes, it is, that I know of.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you recall discussing with John
Smith that if you were in a deposition or
anything like that and you dont want to give the
right answer, all you have to say is, I dont know.
I dont recall?
A No. I dont remember.

* * * * * * * *

Q No one went with you from Foobar to assist
you. Correct?
A It seems to me–not from Foobar. Like I
said, it was a long time ago. I mean, my memory is as
short as my peter.

* * * * * * * *

A Obsessive-compulsive symptoms: Sometimes
checks his own activities. Suicidal and homicidal
ideations: Sometimes he has suicidal ideations
regarding his car or truck every couple of days,
particularly following contact with his attorney.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you recall if you had any alcohol or
anything to drink prior to the concert?
A Yes, I did.
Q What did you have, if you remember?
A I think I had a Fuzzy Navel.
Q You ought to have a doctor look at that.
Just kidding.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you consider him to be competent in
that area?
A I dont know. I dont have any basis to
remark about the competency of his engineering. I
do know hes dead.

* * * * * * * *

A There are very few production places in
North Dakota.
ATTORNEY: Generally speaking, there
are very few places in North Dakota.

* * * * * * * *

Q And where does sandblasting fit in your
scale of being a prestigious job? Do you think
thats a prestigious job?
A Yes, sir.
Q Okay. More so than working in a
factory, I guess.
A Yes, sir.
Q Everybodys entitled to their opinion, I
guess. I dont know. Maybe youre right.
MR. JONES: Ranks above lawyers.
MR. SMITH: Yeah, I bet.
MR. JONES: Because everybody does
that.
MR. SMITH: Yeah.

* * * * * * * *

MR. SMITH: If I could just have a
one-minute break sometime, whenever you feel
youre–
MR. JONES: This is a good time.
(Recess from 2:41 p.m. to 3:03 p.m.)

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you have any reason to believe that
the decision to have Mr. Jones, Mr. Brown and
yourself work on Foobar products to the exclusion
of the EMS products listed in group 3 and 4 of
Exhibit–of the December 5 chart was made or–
MR. SMITH: Can you read that back, and
maybe I can try and figure out what I wanted to
ask.

* * * * * * * *

Q Oh, okay. So you had a conversation with
Mr. Smith about the SeaTower at some point–
A Yes.
Q –prior to his death?

* * * * * * * *

Q And what is it about that particular night that you
recall that you didnt eat at the Holiday Inn?
A What is it that I remember that I didnt eat?

* * * * * * * *

Q What was Linda drinking, if anything?
A She was drinking one of them–one of them lady drinks.
I dont know what it was.
Q She had about the same as you?
A No. Huh-uh. She doesnt drink much. Shell just have
one drink, and shell suck on it all night long.

* * * * * * * *

Q Next time you saw him?
A August 12, 1991. Checked tonsils–no,
Im sorry, checked testicle. Must be mother asking.
But I didnt find anything wrong with testicle. On
the contrary, I noticed there was an ear problem.

* * * * * * * *

Q And Detroit Murphy–what is that? Is that a school
or–
A Its Mercy, not Murphy.
Q Oh, Mercy?
A Im sorry. Yeah, Mercy.
Q Oh, Im sorry. Mercy.
A Yeah, Detroit Mercy is a college, and they do it like
through the Jesuit priests program. They do things with young
boys.

* * * * * * * *

MR. SMITH: Let me ask you, sir,
to identify what I am going to have marked as
Defendants Exhibit No. 1.
MR. JONES: Okay.
(Exhibit No. 1 marked for identification.)
A He has nice big ones.
MR. JONES: I have got the same ones,
and I had them blown.

* * * * * * * *

Q Could you please, in your own words,
describe where youre touching on your body?
A Right here.
Q All right. Now, where is right here?
A Right here.
Q Is that your leg?
A No, sir. My leg is here. Thats my
stomach. I got two stomachs right here. But he was–
Q All right. You have two stomachs.

* * * * * * * *

Q Why do you handle the family finances?
A Because my mom and sister aint that
bright.

* * * * * * * *

Q Did you notice any differences in the plaintiff
during the fishing trip after the accident and the
times you had been with him before?
A Yes.
Q Can you tell the jury about that?
A After a long period of time holding his
rod, you could see he had to sit down for a period
of time.

* * * * * * * *

Q How far apart are the rungs on the
ladder?
A Theyre usually about 12 inches to a
foot.

* * * * * * * *

Q What did you do for Johnson & Sons Formal
Wear?
A I was a presser.
Q Who was your boss there?
A I forget his name. Hes the owner.
MR. SMITH: Johnson.
A Yeah. Its a father-and-son operation.

* * * * * * * *

Q You dont have any intention of
dismissing Jane Smith anytime soon, do you?
A No. Sometimes I wish I could eat her,
and other times you want to hug her up and kiss her
nose.

* * * * * * * *

A Mr. Jones and I had had a
disagreement, the exact nature of which I dont
remember, but it was over some aspect of my work
that he wanted me to perform in a manner different
than, I guess, I was performing it. And Mr.
Joness–excuse my language coming up–Mr.
Jones said, If you fuck with me, Ill kill
you.
Q When he said, If you fuck with me, Ill
kill you, how did you interpret that?

* * * * * * * *

Q Has anybody else ever threatened to kill
you?
A No. Somebody put a gun to my neck once,
but I dont think he threatened to use it.
Q Was that in an employment contact or not?
A No. It was a social contact.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is there a difference between a
reconditioned and rebuilt piece of equipment in your
mind, if you have one?

* * * * * * * *

Q So the first thing that you heard was the
one that you overheard with Mr. Jones stating that
he didnt want any women in his department. And
then second time when you were in this exact
conversation would have been after the first time?

* * * * * * * *

Q Have you tried any type of rehabilitation
or work retraining?
A No. No, sir.
Q Why not?
A Because I aint too bright.

* * * * * * * *

Q And, Doctor, are you a member of the
profession? Correct?
A What profession?
Q The medical profession.
A Oh, yes, sir.
Q And what profession are you a member of?
A The medical profession.

* * * * * * * *

Q I would like you to turn to the next
page, dated June 9, 1993.
A Yes.
Q Do you recall this incident occurring?
A Yes. The night before that I had eaten
at Beachcombers Restaurant. And I had crab. And I
had vomited in the–
Q I assure you on this question a simple
Yes or No will do.

* * * * * * * *

Q Anything else you like to do a lot?
A Look out the window.
Q Have you got a good view?
A No.
Q You just like to look out there?
A Yeah.
Q What can you see from your window?
A The apartments in front of us.
Q I guess theres usually a lot of activity out there.
A Not no more.
Q How come?
A The drug dealer moved away.

* * * * * * * *

Q Okay. Did it become a shouting match at
any time?
A Uh-huh.
Q It did?
A A big one.
Q And what was the net result?
A I left, was the result. I left. I
basically told him that I didnt care how big his
dick was.
Q How did that comment come up?
A It just came out.
Q Okay. Why did you make that comment?
Does he talk about, you know, his penis a lot?
A Yeah, he always talks about his penis.
He thinks its the greatest thing that ever walked
on earth.

* * * * * * * *

Q And what was the reason given to you for
the fact you were let go?
A The reason given to me was garnishing a
knife and arguing with the supervisor.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is the south boundary of the north half
of the southeast quarter of the northwest quarter
the same line as the north boundary of the south
half of the southeast quarter of the northwest
quarter?

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you currently have normal bowel
movements?
A No.
Q In what way have they changed?
A I have a lot more gas that I–I fart a
lot more; and when I do, theyre much stronger than
the normal person.
Isnt that true, Jane?
I know its not funny, but its true.

It was a fine summer evening at the local pub in Dublin. The bar was about half full. In one corner two fellows sat drinking pints. One fellow asks the other Now where are ya from, me lad?

The second fellow replies County Cork.

The first fellow is amazed Why thats were I hail from too! What may be your family name, then?

The second chap says It be none other than OBrien

Why that is my clan, too. What a small world. And to what school did you go?

I went to St. Brigits.

My God, So did I!! exclaimed the first fellow loudly.

So then, in what fine year did you graduate?

1954

Incredible, so did I!…

The local bobby (are they called that in Ireland?) stopped in around then to say hello to the bartender. Every thing OK, Michael?

Yes, the bartender replied, things are pretty normal – the OBrien twins are shit-faced again!

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottles of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came a loud yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell…

And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.

Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name:
On Whiskey! On Vodka! we aint got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!

Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, weve still got a long haul!
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.

And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.

He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didnt fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.

Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.

But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!