Old Jokes | New Jokes

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said, Im sorry, but we cannot sell cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog because old people sometimes eat dog food.

She went home and brought in her dog. She then bought the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, No, you might have a snake in there.

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger in the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, That smells like shit.

The little old lady said, It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian. Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.



Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian Im bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark – then I wouldnt have any worries about being eaten… As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hits the water and lo and behold, Justin turns into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swims away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.



Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them, Justin hardly realizing that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.



During the next tropical storm, Justin figures that the same lightening force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning strikes the water next to Justin and lo and behold, he turns back into a prawn.



With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swims back to his friends and buys them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he looks for his old pal. Wheres Christian? he asked. Hes at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark came the reply.



Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christians house. As he opens the coral gate, the memories come flooding back. He bangs on the door and shouts Its me. Justin – your old friend. Come out and see me again



Christian replies, No way, man. Youll eat me. Youre a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked.



Justin cries back No Im not. That was the old me. Ive changed Im a prawn again, Christian!

Diary of a New Snow Shoveler

Decenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea Ive ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, well definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says well have so much snow by the end of winter, that Ill never want to see snow again. I dont think thats possible. Bob is such a nice man Im glad hes our neighbor

December 14th Snow, lovely snow! 8 last night. The temperature dropped to -

20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didnt realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but Ill certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldnt huff and puff so.

December 15th 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wifes car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think thats silly. We arent in Alaska after all..

December 16th Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel

Decenber 17th Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when shes right. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said theyre to busy playing hockey. I think theyre lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think hes lying..

December 22nd Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white shit fell today, and its so cold it probably wont melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says hes too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23rd Only 2 of snow today. And it warmed up to

0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts?> Why didnt she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think shes damn well lying.

December 24th 6. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, Ill drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where Ive just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25th Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes an idiot. If I have to watch Its A Wonderful Life one more time, Im going to kill her

December 26th Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was ALL HER idea. Shes really getting on my nerves.

December 27th Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28th Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29th 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. Thats the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30th The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9 predicted.

December 31st

Set fire to whats left of the house. No more shovelling.

Januare 8th I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?????

(This article was taken from the December 1995 issue of Self magazine, written by Stephanie Dolgoff.)

SNAGs? WIPs? TODs? What do you call a man if wuss or hunk fails to cover all the subtleties of a time when everyone seems to be in therapy, scared of commitment, working through issues or just coming off a bad breakup? In the spirit of DINS (Double Income No Sex), weve compiled the essential guide to love and disfunction using acronyms to sum up the men and the mind-boggling situations that everyone has encountered while pursuing a real relationship.

SNAG

(Sensitive New Age Guy)

Searching for a sensitive guy? Be careful you dont hit a SNAG. These guys use moves theyve picked up from the _sincerely_ empathetic tupes to they , in turn, can pick up women. They walk the walk by letting you pay for dinner after yoga class, and even talk the talk – Im really concerned about how you feel – but they never really listen. Fear not; After encountering a few SNAGS, youll be able to spot the truly sensitive guy when he comes along.

WIP

(Work In Progress)

A guy with potential whom you take on knowing that youll be spoon-feeding him tips on basic social skills: If you could ask me how Im doing once in a while, that would be really great or, depending upon your standards, Honey, thats a fork. We use it to eat.

ICH

(Ill Change Him)

You have an ICH (pronounced itch) when you tend tragically toward WIPs. Best bet: Scratch the WIPs off your list and leave the ICH syndrome to someone with nothing better to do.

PG

(Probably Gay)

If hes handsome, smart, funny, unmarried and utterly uninterested in you, he gets a PG rating. Yes, its politically incorrect. No, its never 100 percent accurate. Of course, its not fair. But egos must be preserved.

TOD

(Therapy Overdose)

You know youre dating a TOD (pronounced toad) when he cant seem to stop using phrases like compulsive personality, codependency, and obsessive to justify the error of his ways or to criticize your perfectly human foibles. TODs tend to use therapy jargon to dodge responsibility, as in I recognize I have issues around monogamy, but transferring pent-up anger about your father makes me want to retreat, rather than admitting to having slept with his coworker. Again.

NIC

(Now Im Cool)

NICs are those guys who have never gotten over being considered dweebs in high school and are intent on making up for lost time by cutting a wide remantic swath through the female population. If I can date her, I must be able to get someone better, they think during the middle of your third – and final – date.

YOC

(You Ordered Coffee)

A YOC date (pronounced yuck) is one where he insists on dividing the check to the penny, according to how many fries and and cups of coffee you each consumed. He wont be sexually or emotionally generous either.

IBM

(Ideal Breeding Material)

Having just set eyes on an IBM, youre already calculating your possible genetic combinations with him and visualizing what your child would look like if he were the dad.

MOL

(My Other Line)

MOL describes the use of an actual or imagined call-waiting beep to escape a conversation. He wouldnt get off the phone, so I had to MOL him. A gross breach of telephone etiquette, but its an effective technique nonetheless.

PUP

(Pick-Up Potential)

A PUP is anyone you deep worthy of your attention. For example, you see a PUP on the stairclimber at the gym and you consider asking out for a postworkout fruit juice.

SIS

(Stud In Spandex)

A gym predator who peacocks in front of the full-length mirror, the SIS only pauses to offer to spot you when you are hoisting those arduous three-pound free weights. His interest lies in swapping sweat, not knowledge.

BOOR

(Babe Out Of Reach)

The average-looking guy who wipes the mustard off his childs shirt becomes a BOOR – instantly because hes unavailable.

Ok, this one could offend religous people, people who dislike bad language, people who dislike obvious jokes, people who dislike humour, people who dislike e-mail, etc. Read on…

The Bishop had been planning a relaxing afternoons golf with the Abbot, but was let down at the last minute. Fortunately, he had made the aquaintance of a Sister Mary (who else?) from the local chapel.

Sister Mary was quite flattered to be invited by the Bishop to play Golf, and accepted the offer gladly. When the Bishope missed a putt on the 16th hole, however, she was shocked to hear him say, Fuckin shit, I missed!

Im deeply ashamed of you, said a white-faced Sister Mary.

The Bishop shot her a dirty look and went on to play the 17th hole. Not long afterwards he exclaimed Fuckin shit, I missed!

Im warning you, Bishop, said the Nun piously, God will strike you down if you dont stop using that kind of language.

The Bishop also missed the crucial putt on the 18th hole, and uttered the same curse at full volume. Suddenly there was a deafening clap of thunder, and a blinding flash of lightning, and the nun dissappeared.

A few seconds later a voice boomed from the heavens, FUCKIN SHIT, I MISSED!

Picture the scene, three bosnian soldiers sitting in a bombed out building in Bihac. Bombs exploding, shells whistling over their heads etc.

Bosnian Soldier (B.S.) 1 says Its no good, its exactly three weeks two days and 14 hours since I last got laid. I cant cope anymore, I really need a fuck!

BS 2 and 3 You cant get out, youll never survive, theres bombs and stuff going off everywhere.

BS 1 No its no good, i need to get a bit, see you, he promptly jumps out of the building and yomps off to the sound of machine gun fire, and a couple of mortar rounds.

BS 2 Well thats the last well see of him, hell not survive, and if he does get a bit he wont come back.

24 hours later they are still sitting there thinking that thats it, he hasnt survived, hell not be back, when the machine guns start again. BS 1 jumps over the wall into the shelter.

WOW, the best 24 hours sex ive ever had!! I got the lot! Me on top, her on top, two at once, the lot Ive never had as much as that before in my life.

BS 2 Thats all very well but did you get a blow job then?

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No I couldnt find one with a head on!

Sorry, sick I know, I heard it from a Royal Navy Nursing Officer ( the caring profession ?)

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o the brandy.""Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! Ive never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!""Oh Jack," she responded, "its only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!"Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes going to shit!"

Ebonics Version of Windows 98 Debuts!

Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled It be a fresh Window. It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users.

There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.

When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a phat getto track that melts em down wit dope-ass bass, The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall – along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.

On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with Dis My Shit.

The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.

If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With Da Hood.

Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: Marquee, a lil G spray- painting dirty words that move across the screen; or Flying Bullets, a 64 Olds loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by.

Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialogue box changes:

1.

Break Back In = Re-entry

2.

Aww Shit = Error

3.

U Betta Recognize = Delete

4.

Itz All Good = OK

5.

4 Real Doe =Yes

6.

Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel

7.

Do Dat Shit Again = Reset

8.

R U Crazy = Are You Sure

9.

Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find

10. Put A Cap In It = Delete

11. Games & Shit = Programs

12. Letter Shit = Documents

The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled Homie Essentials.

The word processing program greatly differs from the main-stream program. Several words on the title bar have been changed:

1.

Dat Thang = File

2.

I Be Seein It = View

3.

Put Sumpin In = Insert

4.

Hook It Up = Format

5.

Stuff I Aint gone Need =Tools

6.

Number Shit = Table

7.

Break In = Window

8.

What Da F*C@*K@? = Help

Note: Stuff I aint gone need (Tools) does not include spelling or grammar check options, and Auto Correct has been replaced with Keepin it Real.

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me.

The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit! he shouts.



The bartender becomes angry. Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names.



The drunk persists. For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!



Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, maam. What can I get for you?



The woman replies, Oh,… Ill have a vinegar and water, please!

( A fellow named Bill Pfieffer, an engineer in Portland, OR, told me these
jokes; Bill is an immigrant from West Germany, and German humor has always
been a little different from ours. )

In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers decided to have
some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man.
So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot.
The amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment silently. Every
morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong.

After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it
wasnt very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning
to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and
promise to mend their ways.

The cook heard them out, then said, You are going to stop shitting in my
boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee.