Archive for the ‘Foul Language’ Category


28
Nov

Its Against the Law to…

In Oblong, Illinois, its punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isnt allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you — or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if theyre nude.(Apparently, if you wear socks, youre safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And its illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a stores walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman cant go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job — for men only — called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.

Its safe to make love while parked in Coeur dAlene, Idaho. Police officers arent allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman cant dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, its legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If youre a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you cant parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women arent allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something he oughtnt!

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and her name is to be published in the local newspaper. The man isnt charged nor is his name revealed.

In Las Vegas, Nevada: Its against the law to pawn your dentures.

In Natoma, Kansas; Its illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.

Idaho Falls, Idaho: If youre 88 years of age or older, its illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.

In Vermont: Its against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.

In Alabama: Its illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

In Barber, North Carolina: Its illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).

In Clawson City, Michigan: Its illegal to sleep with chickens.

A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl.

In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.

The U.S. government says its a crime to give false weather reports.

In Gary, Ind., you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic.

You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.

In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husbands pockets while he is sleeping.

There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.

In Waterloo, Neb., barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.

Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.

In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.

Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.

On the books in Tennessee:

In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor…and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.

In Newport: Its against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.

In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.

In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!

It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours.

It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.

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28
Nov

Offensive to toothbrush salesmen. (Contains the defecation word… Beware!)

Once upon a time, there was a convention for toothbrush salesmen. When it came time to award the prize for the most toothbrushes sold for the past year, everyone was surprised by the salesperson who won. He was a shy, timid, retiring type, not your typical salesman at all.

Everyone was dying to know his secret, so he shared it with them.

I set up a booth, he says, in the mall. I have a stack of plates, a bowl of chips, a bowl of dip, and a bowl full of our toothbrushes.

When people walk by, I say would you like to try some chips? And would you like some dip with that?

No one passes up free food, so of course, I get lots of takers. After trying the dip, they ALWAYS say, This dip tastes like shit! And I say, It is. Would you like to buy a toothbrush???

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28
Nov

Boyfriends

How are daughters boyfriends like cockroaches?

They hang around the kitchen and its hard to get rid of them!

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28
Nov

2 deaf farmers (adult)

One day a man was driving through the country when his car began to sputter and it broke down. There was no gas station for at least a hundred miles where the nearest city was.

He looked around and all he could see was two old farm houses on either side of the road. Just then, a huge storm came up and rain poured out of the sky and began flooding the place. The man, thinking his car will be washed away, takes off for one of the houses.

He gets to the front step and rings the doorbell. No one answers so he bangs on the door as hard as he can. Still no one answers although he can see that there are lights on in the house. He rings the bell and bangs as hard as he can, again to no avail.

He peeks in the front window and he sees and old lady squeezing her breasts. Amazed, the man looks in again to see an old man rubbing his head and jacking off. He freaks when he sees this and runs back to his car.

He sits for a while and decides he must do something quick or his car will be gone. So he runs over to the other farm house. When he gets to the front door he rings the bell. An old farmer answers the door and asks what can he do.

The young man says, Yeah. My car just broke down. Do you have a phone I could use to call a tow truck?

The farmer looks at him and says, Sorry, but the only phone in these parts is cross the road over at the Joneses house. Theyll let you use it though.

The man replies, No way. I looked in the window over there and they were engaging in some kind of weird sex. She was squeezing her tits and he was jacking off while rubbing his head.

The farmer laughs and says,Oh thats just the way they communicate. You see, the Joneses are deaf. She told him: its time to milk the cows. Then he said to her: fuck that its raining outside.

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28
Nov

Lets Swear

Mother calls up stairs, You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or youll be late for school!

As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, Today were gonna learn to swear! The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.

The 5-year-old continues, When we get to the table, Ill say hell and you say ass! The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.

They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?

The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head… Hell Mom! Ill have Cheerios!

He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.

Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, Well now, what would you like for breakfast?

The 4-year-old replies, I dont know ma… But you can bet your ass it aint Cheerios!

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